Lily Allen's Guide to Swearing

In the first of an occasional series diminutive pop singer and saucy minx Lily Allen joins us as our new swearing expert. Lily is widely acknowledged as one of Britain's sweariest performers and is renowned for highly inventive use of expletives (particularly where the press are involved). Indeed, Britain's top swearmeister, Damien Ffook, whose world famous 'School for Swearing' was attended by a young Miss Allen, considers her one of his star students. "I'm very proud of Lily, she took to swearing like a duck to water - nowadays she could easily put many dockers to shame."

For her part, Lily has welcomed the chance to help guide Britain's youth in the arcane art of swearing. "It's really important that young people learn how to eff and blind properly," she told us. "Bad swearing technique can really hold people back, especially in the media, where effective swearing is considered essential."

For her inaugural swear, Lily demonstrates the effectiveness of both making an everyday word offensive - 'fucktastic' - through the simple expedient of simply replacing one syllable with a common swear word, and randomly combining expletives to form an offensive-sounding, yet ultimately meaningless, new phrase: 'shit wank'. The brilliance of this latter term is the way in which it draws its offensive power from combining two bodily functions in such a way as to conjure up truly foul visions in the mind of anyone hearing it.

Look out for further swearing guidance from Lily in the near future, (if she doesn't sue me, beat me up or, worse, send her dad round to beat me up).