Celebrity Autopsy

It has been confirmed that recently deceased reality TV star Jade Goody will be the first subject of new Channel 4 series Celebrity Autopsy. "This is the perfect way to keep her in the public eye, even after death," said a spokesperson for the production company making the series. "Being addicted to fame, this is exactly what she would have wanted!" The series, in which, every week, a recently dead celebrity's body will be given a post-mortem, live on screen, by a team of pathologists, has already been condemned as tasteless by TV watchdogs, even before it has aired. "Look, all the people we'll be cutting up are volunteers - it isn't as if we're just going to dig them up without permission. And we'll wait until they die of disease, violence or natural causes - we won't be killing them specially for the series," explains the programme's spokesperson. "I really don't know what the fuss is about - this is no different to reality TV where participants are happy to have every aspect of their lives laid bare, whilst viewers enthusiastically spy on them! It's just that in our version the participants are dead and it's their vital organs being laid bare." The programme makers also believe that Celebrity Autopsy has an educational value. "This represents a priceless opportunity for viewers to find out what really makes celebrities tick. Or ticked, rather," says the spokesperson. "People will soon appreciate the perils of the celebrity lifestyle - all those years of drink and drug abuse - when they see those diseased livers, inflamed kidneys and tar-filled lungs!"

Jade Goody's post-mortem adventures won't end with her appearance on Celebrity Autopsy, however. It has also been revealed that, following her live TV autopsy, her body will be taken to a top London taxidermist, where it will be stuffed and mounted. "This will be a perfect way for her to stay in touch with her public," a publicist claimed. "After all, why should death be a barrier to photo opportunities? The taxidermist we've engaged has promised us that he'll ensure that she'll always look her best for her public - no green tinges or bits falling off." The publicist denied a tabloid report that Goody's PR firm were considering engaging the services of a professional puppeteer, with a view to attaching strings to the embalmed corpse in order to animate it during public appearances. "For God's sake - that would just be sick," the publicist stated, looking repulsed by the notion. He also denied that the stuffed Goody had been sold to OK magazine, for use in the publication's advertising campaigns. "There will be no exclusive deals with any media outlet," he confirmed. "Jade was always accessible to her public in life, and that won't change now she's dead."