Extreme Love Machines

Politicians, church leaders and moral campaigners are calling for a new novelty video - Extreme Love Machines - to be banned, fearing that it could cause serious injuries amongst young children if they attempt to emulate the bizarre acts it portrays. This supposed documentary, released to cash in on the lucrative Christmas market, features hitherto unseen footage of male celebrities performing strange acts with their penises. Campaigners are most worried about the sequences showing male genitalia being used as deadly weapons, particularly a segment featuring the late Bruce Lee. Footage allegedly recorded during the making of Enter The Dragon shows him apparently breaking planks and bricks with his staff of life. According to the video, Lee’s mastery of Zen Masturbation techniques allowed the diminutive action star to make his penis as hard as steel, or limp but highly agile: further footage shows him twirling it above his head like a martial arts weapon, before felling several opponents with it.

“The male member is a potentially lethal weapon in untrained hands,” commented Liberal Democrat MP Daniel Alresford, a long-term campaigner against ‘video nasties’. “An inexpertly handled erect penis in the playground could easily result in some poor child having their eye poked out!” Campaigners are equally unhappy with behind-the-scenes footage filmed during the making of the Magnificent Seven, showing Steve McQueen and Yul Brynner holding quick draw contests with their porridge guns, before holding a target shooting contest. One scene depicts MCQueen shooting a cigar from Brynner’s mouth from twenty yards without splashing the celebrity slaphead’s face. Elsewhere, the film claims that renowned 1920s bank robber John Dillinger once used his famously large todger to hold up a bank. Alresford claims that these sequences have already led to several copycat crimes in Liverpool, with young children threatening shopkeepers with erect penises - if they refuse to hand over the contents of their tills, the children ejaculate all over their confectionery displays before fleeing.