Domesticating Violence

The government's new initiatives on domestic violence have been broadly welcomed by men's groups. "Keeping a register of men involved in domestic violence is exactly what's needed," says Ned Weddernid, of the National Alliance for Male Empowerment. "Registered wife beaters are clearly the way ahead - for too long violence against women has been conducted in an entirely amateur fashion. Perhaps now we'll see some proper professional standards applied." Weddernid's organisation believes that domestic violence against women has gained a poor image due to a lack of finesse on the part of its practitioners. "It's usually perpetrated by some drunken oaf with absolutely no training or subtlety, with the result that he victim ends up looking like they've gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson and totally incapable of performing any useful function for weeks," he declares. "What's needed is a more scientific application of violence by a highly trained individual, which will achieve the objective of teaching the victim a lesson without incapacitating them."

He believes that the new system will also be beneficial to women. "What self-respecting woman would want to be beaten senseless by an amateur, when she can be chastised and dominated by a professional?" Weddernid asks. "If wife beaters are all licenced, then all women have to do is check with the national register to ensure that they're being slapped by a safe pair of hands." Weddernid points out that other registration schemes have been highly successful in regulating specialist fields of offending. "Just look at sex offenders - everyone wants to get on the register, it's considered a real badge of honour," he claims. "Before the advent of registered sex offenders just any grubby little pervert could set themselves up as a deviant. Nowadays a real degree of professionalism is required if you want to make the grade. Ask any woman and they'll tell you how much better it is to be felt up by a pro, rather than flashed at by some rank amateur who can't even get his member out of his pants without fumbling it!"