Extreme Love Machines (Part Three)

John Lennon’s use of transcendental masturbation techniques - taught to him by the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi - to exert a powerful conscious control over his groovy gravy-giver, is also featured in the controversial Extreme Love Machines DVD. “He could get it to wriggle like a snake, moving its head from side to side, it was quite amazing. He was fond of performing his ‘snake charming act’, where it rose up from his open fly as he played a recorder,” reminisces former groupie Ginny Plowter, who also witnessed Lennon perform even more astounding acts with his old man. “He once stuck a light bulb on the end of his erection, and it lit up! It was incredible! Ringo stuck a lampshade on it and John stood in the corner of the studio pretending to be a standard lamp for over an hour!” Lennon’s penis was apparently also a master of disguise, previously unseen footage shows him using a a false moustache and his granny glasses to transform his knob into Groucho Marx, before quiffing his pubes with brylcreem to impersonate Elvis. It is also said that Lennon could perform an excellent impression of fellow Beatle Paul McCartney, although he used his arse rather than his knob for this.

The video also features the lighter side of talented celebrity todgers, including scenes of Errol Flynn demonstrating his magnificent member’s sporting prowess. He is shown using his knob as a five iron (scoring a hole in one whilst playing golf with the Queen Mother in the early 1950s), a pool cue (roundly beating David Niven at bar billiards), and a cricket bat (scoring four consecutive sixes from googlies bowled by Boris Karloff in 1938). There is also film of him playing the piano with it, including a spirited performance of ‘Roll Out The Barrel’ at a Hollywood party hosted by Cary Grant in 1949., and a duet performed with Jayne Mansfield at a 1951 celebrity charity concert - the combination of her breasts and his penis managing a very credible rendition of ‘You Are My Sunshine’. Nevertheless, Extreme Love Machines does conclude on a controversial, and macabre, note, with its claims that former Nirvana front-man Kurt Cobain actually used his lamb cannon, rather than a shotgun, to take his own life - sticking the end in his mouth and pumping. “I’ve seen the real crime scene photos,” says rock journalist Rick Wedge. “He had an incredibly powerful cannon - it nearly blew his head off, there was semen pouring out of his ears.” Police and family deny such rumours, describing them as “vile”.