Extreme Love Machines (Part Two)

Critics of Extreme Love Machines also fear that scenes taken during the making of Dirty Dozen featuring Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin engaging in a contest to establish who had the toughest todger, will encourage young males to emulate the tough-guy stars by attempting to lift ten pound weights with their penises - resulting in a spate of snapped shooting irons. They are particularly disturbed by shots of a triumphant Bronson winning the competition by sticking his knob into a pile of red hot coals, claiming that it has already resulted in several cases of singed pubic hair and blistered bell ends as impressionable teenagers try to use their penises as pokers. “If this video isn’t stopped now, I shudder to think what might happen during the Summer barbecue season,” said a spokesman for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents . However, the video’s producer, Rod Walloper, has defended Extreme Love Machines, pointing out that it also shows the penis being used for artistic purposes. In an amazing piece of home movie recorded by his one-time girlfriend Trixie Tenpin, T-Rex’s Marc Bolan is shown using his knob, quite literally, as a skin flute.

He achieved this by piercing his penis with a knitting needle to create a column of finger holes, and then blowing down it with the aid of a specially made brass mouthpiece (designed to reach from his lips to the head of his erect penis). Through a careful manipulation of his fingers over the holes, he was, incredibly, able to play tunes on his trouser trumpet, usually working up to a crescendo which climaxed with him ejaculating. “He had to be careful to cover up all the holes when he came, otherwise jism would spray out of them, drenching everyone in a four-foot radius,” says Tenpin. “Also, if the holes got blocked as he was blowing, his scrotum would inflate - which was highly dangerous, as there was always a chance it could burst.” Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull was so impressed by Bolan’s skin-flute playing that he had his own penis similarly pierced for a time. “He never mastered the technique,” Tenpin reveals. “Anderson could never maintain an erection long enough - as his clothes-prop began to sag, so the note he was playing would go flat. He tried everything to try and keep it up longer - porn, naked women, wooden spoons strapped to his knob - but in the end he was forced to give it up and let the holes heal up.”