Political Sell Out?

With its poll ratings hitting rock bottom and following a series of humiliating by-election defeats, the governing Labour Party is facing the prospect of being classified as a 'failing' political party. "The consequences could be devastating," warns political analyst Jim Throng. "Just like a failing school or hospital, the Labour Party will face the prospect of having a private company brought in to manage it in an attempt to improve its performance." Not surprisingly, many Labour MPs are unhappy at the prospect of seeing Prime Minister Gordon Brown replaced by a Chief Executive from the world of commerce and the cabinet displaced by a board of directors. "These corporate takeovers always lead to job losses and pay cuts as they try to improve productivity," commented backbencher Dan Wigginthap. "Then there's the whole constitutional question - is it right that we should suddenly find ourselves governed by an unelected and unaccountable management team, pursuing short-term profits for their shareholders rather than the public good?" However, others are more enthusiastic at the prospect of a corporate takeover for the party. "It worked wonders for the Tories," observes former Labour advisor Frank Bumlee. "Until a couple of years ago they were going nowhere - they were in a worse position in the polls than we are now. But once they brought in that new management team, they've been beating the pants off of us at every turn." Indeed, the Conservative's takeover by a group of City financiers, which saw hitherto obscure stockbroker David Cameron installed as leader, has sparked a renaissance in the party's political fortunes.

"It's bloody fantastic, freed from all that ideological baggage, the sky's the limit as far as policy goes," enthuses Clive Shagbagg, one of the party's senior policy advisers. "We can run the party along business lines now - policy is customer led, with us giving a volatile electorate whatever it is they want on a daily basis." Like a supermarket, the emphasis in the Tory party is now on keeping policies fresh. "If they're past their sell-by date, we just ditch 'em and start pushing the next big thing instead," declares Shagbagg. "Even better, we just re-package the old stuff and sell it to the punters as something new. Either that, or we clear the old policy stocks with two-for-one offers - the voters love to think they're getting a bargain." This consumerist approach to politics certainly seems to have paid off, with the Tories riding high in the popularity polls. "It's basic retail economics - give the customer what they want," says Shagbagg. "Trust me, the average voter doesn't give a toss about principles and ideology. They just want to know who can sell 'em health, education, security and freedom cheapest."

Whilst it is thought that the Labour leadership's preferred private-sector bidder would be Sir Alan Sugar, widely believed to be a New Labour sympathiser who would probably retain Gordon Brown as a nominal figurehead, Richard Branson's Virgin group is fast emerging as favourite to to take over running of the party. "I know that people will say that we don't have any experience of government," says a company spokesperson, "but we didn't know anything about running trains, airlines or internet service providers, either. But look what a fantastic success we've made of all those enterprises!" It is thought that one of Virgin's first acts, if they were to win the takeover battle, would be to wind up the party's internal policy-making organs and outsource their functions to independent think-tanks. "Putting policy out to competitive tendering would ensure that we got the very best policies," explains the company spokesperson, "formulated on the basis of value for money rather than narrow ideology." However, it seems likely that Virgin could face a stiff challenge for the Labour franchise from a surprise bidder - the Liberal Democrats. "Look, taking over the governing party is probably the best chance of power we're going to get," says party leader Nick Clegg. "Let's be honest, it's probably the only chance we're ever going to have." There is, of course, a precedent for such a move: following the last General Election, the British National Party actively considered making an offer for the Tory party, before concluding that it was too right wing for them.