Fat Chance

Fat people. We all know the stereotype - the jolly fat bloke, jowls wobbling as he laughs at some amusing self-deprecating remark he’s made about his size. Oliver Hardy, Fatty Arbuckle, Sydney Greenstreet, Hermann Goering, Orson Welles, Robert Maxwell, Bernard Manning, John Candy and Chris Farley - they all fit the image. Oh how we laughed at their amusing antics! Well, for too long these gross wobble-bottoms have taken refuge behind this facade of cuddly, good-natured bonhomie - now it is time to expose the sordid truth behind some of the world’s best known fat gits. Whilst the sexual depravities and Keystone Cop buggering activities of silent comedian Fatty Arbuckle are well chronicled, few are aware of the antics of his better-remembered contemporary Oliver Hardy. Bisexual Hardy had gargantuan sexual appetites to match his size and his wild orgies became well known in 1930s Hollywood. Hardy liked nothing better than to be taken by several rent-boys at a time. Indeed, legend has it that at least one unfortunate rent-boy vanished into his ample buttocks, never to be seen again. Hardy was also an accomplished voyeur and, in 1940, he suffered a near-fatal heart attack whilst spying on rising starlet Evelyn Ankers. A sudden erection caused by the sight of her taking her bra off resulted in a massive rush of blood to his member, leaving his straining heart unable to supply the rest of his grossly overweight frame. Simultaneously clutching his knob and his chest he fell off of the milk-crate he had been balancing on outside Ankers’ bathroom window, crying “That’s another fine mess you’ve gotten me into Little Stanley!”. Little Stanley being his pet name for his penis. The shock waves created as he hit the ground could be felt as far away as Santa Monica. Although Hardy survived the seizure, his career and reputation quickly went into decline, becoming an object of ridicule after notorious gossip columnist Hedda Hopper made reference to “Laurel and Hard On” in her column.

The great Orson Welles suffered weight-related problems whilst filming Casino Royale in the UK in 1967, when he was mistaken for a lost Sperm Whale. During a break in filming Welles had decided to visit Brighton and take a dip in the sea. He quickly found himself surrounded by small boats and frogmen wielding electric cattle-prods. Fearing that he could prove hazardous to shipping the Royal Navy decided to try and guide him out into the open sea. The director and star of such cinematic masterpieces as Citizen Kane, Touch of Evil and Chimes at Midnight was forced to swim six miles out to sea before the Royal Navy would leave him alone. Even then his ordeal did not end. He had the misfortune to be spotted by a passing Norwegian Whaler and was chased by them and two factory ships for a further ten miles. In scenes reminiscent of his celebrated London stage production of Melville’s Moby Dick, the larger than life thespian had to dodge harpoons hurled at him by burly Scandinavians. Whilst the Ministry of Defence, severely embarrassed by the incident, have always denied that it ever occurred. However, a retired Admiral has confided that the Navy had feared for the safety of its aircraft carriers, which easily have been seriously damaged or even sunk in a collision with a whale. “No man is an island,” he told us. “But Orson Welles came pretty damn close. He was clearly a danger to shipping and should have been torpedoed!”