Friday, June 06, 2008

Skin Deep (Part Three)

At least one film fan believes that some celebrities owe their continuing youth and looks to actual, rather than scientific, vampirism. Willy Grinder, a forty four year old California resident, was recently arrested for attacking Woody Allen with a huge crucifix outside of a Beverly Hills jazz club. “If only I’d remembered to use a Star of David instead of a crucifix, the world would have seen Woody Allen crumble into dust, and I would have been vindicated”, says Grinder, who believes that the celebrated comic director and actor is a blood-sucking beast who preys upon young girls, sucking out their youthful life essence in order to prolong his own existence. Most disagree, believing that he is merely a dirty old man. “I have incontrovertible proof that many of Hollywood’s greatest names are actually vampires”, Grinder asserts. “How else can you explain their eternal youth, health and ever-present sunglasses? Why are they rarely seen in daylight, preferring to attend premieres and parties after dark?”

In 1999 he dug up the body of Dracula star Bela Lugosi before staking and decapitating it. He claimed that the body’s amazing state of preservation proved that Lugosi was undead and well, and the fountainhead of the current Hollywood Vampire cult. Horrified Lugosi fans pointed out that the star’s incredibly preserved body was more likely the result of the amount of formaldehyde the hopelessly booze and drug addicted actor had imbibed during his final years. He was in the headlines again the following year, when he claimed to have video footage of Joan Collins bathing in the blood of virgins, and Julie Andrews and Sharon Stone engaging in naked lesbian vampire frolics with nuns - the videotape, however, proved to be blank. “I should have remembered that the undead don’t have video images or reflections”, he explained during the ensuing libel case brought by the actresses. “All their previous movies must have been shot before they were vampirised”. Grinder is currently under psychiatric observation, pending sentencing in the Woody Allen assault case.

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