Sex and the Shitty

According to the Romans the Spanish rinsed their mouths with their own urine in order to whiten their teeth (something to bear in mind the next time an A-list celebrity flashes their gleaming smile for the cameras). Even today, hundreds of thousands of people in India and China drink their own urine in the belief that it can cure common ills. For some bodily waste products can even be a source of sexual ecstasy. Supposedly radical and zany musician Frank Zappa, for instance, was often referred to as ‘Frank Crapper’ due to his enthusiasm for having hookers let go a black bass on his face. He was also actually a closet knee-jerk conservative reactionary who secretly worked as a snitch for the FBI. Indeed, he used his friendship with FBI chief J. Edgar Hoover to further his bizarre fetish by amassing an incredible private collection of secret surveillance tapes of various celebrities and politicians taking a dump. Whilst most of these were destroyed by Zappa’s family following his death in 1993, several survived and have recently surfaced on the internet. These include incredible footage of both Elvis Presley and Judy Garland expiring of heart attacks on the toilet as they strained to pass gargantuan turds - Presley looks as if his head is about to explode with his face turning crimson and his eyes bulging out of their sockets, whilst Garland’s face contorts into a rictus grin as her lips curl back and purple veins stand out on her forehead. In another tape President Johnson - who regularly conducted affairs of state from a toilet cubicle - is seen making the decision to commit tens of thousands of additional troops to Vietnam as he passes a stool so massive that it wasn’t completely flushed away until Nixon was in the White House. Amongst the destroyed videos is rumoured to be sensational footage of Jack Kennedy squatting over Marilyn Monroe and blowing mud all over her ample breasts, then licking it off.

Zappa managed to keep his excrement fetish out of the public eye for most of his life, although in his 1971 film 200 Crappers Keith Moon (dressed as a nun) is seen licking out a soiled lavatory bowl. “Frank just loved crap - the taste, the texture, the smell, everything about it,” recalls ‘Smoky’ Joe Dookie, one time drummer with Zappa’s band the Mothers of Invention. “Often, when we were on tour, he’d hire a hooker and get her to take a fast acting laxative before taking her up the arse - as she crapped all over his whang he’d climax, but instead of ejaculating he’d crap himself instead. They’d end up rolling around in a pool of thick brown bum soup - it was Frank’s idea of paradise, but it cost him a fortune in laundry bills to get the sheets clean!” The goateed musician is also rumoured to have produced a number of ‘fudge porn’ movies, which featured buxom young actresses variously being given enemas, wrestling in vats of excrement and flinging their own crap at each other. However, whilst highly flamboyant, Zappa and Berry were by no means the only celebrity excrement fetishists. Their fellow enthusiasts have included Robert Mitchum, who was fond of smoking his own bum cigars - an activity for which he was arrested in 1947 - believing that their fumes had hallucinogenic properties, Noel Coward, who paid prepubescent schoolboys to urinate over him in the belief that bathing in virgins’ piss was the secret of eternal youth, and Ava Gardner, who used her own excrement as a facial moisturiser.