Law and Disorder

The British criminal justice system has been rocked to its very foundations by a series of scandals involving high profile judges. In the latest appalling development a High Court judge was caught having sex with a defence barrister in his Old Bailey chambers during a recess. A shocked court clerk surprised His Honour Judge Thomas Cundy and Molly Kinchin QC as they banged away on the judge’s desk. Investigations have revealed that this was not an isolated incident and that, for some time now, Judge Cundy has been offering lenient sentences in exchange for sexual favours from female defence lawyers and defendants. “Apparently he had a sliding scale,” says one Ministry of Justice insider. “Hand relief - or ‘banging his gavel’, as the Judge himself preferred to describe it - could get up to three years knocked off a sentence, longer if they let him ejaculate over their breasts, a blow job could result in anything up to seven years off, whilst full intercourse might result in a suspended sentence. It is rumoured that one defendant was discharged completely after a four in a bed romp involving the defence barrister, solicitor and the defendant herself.”

Unconfirmed rumours suggest that His Honour insisted upon wearing his full wig and gowns during his sex romps, referred to his penis as ‘Exhibit A’, or sometimes ‘the blind instrument of justice’, and would shout “the court will rise” as he got an erection and “case dismissed” as he climaxed. In several cases it is alleged that the judge bribed court officials to allow him to use the court room out of hours for his sex games - the female barristers would be brought before him in chains as he donned the black cap and sentenced them to “death by my hanging salad”, before ‘taking them down’ and shagging them senseless on the bench until they begged for clemency. “Hardened criminals were queuing up to appear before him,” says our source. “Word quickly got around that the best way of getting off was to get an attractive young female defence team with short skirts and lots of cleavage. He wasn’t known as a hanging judge so much as a well hung judge.” The judge has been suspended pending a psychiatric report.