Who Dung It?

Ever had one of those stonking great turds which simply won’t flush away? No matter how much toilet paper you put down there, or how savagely you batter it with the bog brush, it just sits there, mocking you. I must admit that I've been experiencing such problems over the past few days. During my ever more desperate attempts to clear the pan, my thoughts started to wander, and I found myself asking whether I was the only one with these problems. Most crucially, I wondered, do celebrities also have serious u-blocker problems, just like ordinary mortals? Well, rumour has it that at the 2000 Q Awards someone dumped a log so huge that it blocked the toilets and caused severe flooding. Before they knew it, celebrities of the magnitude of Davina McCall and Chris Evans found themselves ankle deep in jobbie-infested brown water. Obviously, the question on every celeb's lips was; who dung it? Who laid the lethal log?

The list of suspects was immediately narrowed down as the blockage occurred in the men’s toilets, ruling out the likes of the Spice Girls, Billie Piper or Kylie (anyway, such a petite frame as Kylie’s surely could not have produced such a devastating brown trout). Heading the list of suspects was Liam Gallagher. The Oasis front-man had previously boasted of his toilet prowess , claiming to have once left a four-foot long chocolate log in the wash basin in rival Damon Albarn’s dressing room during the Brit Awards as a joke. Another prime suspect was Liam’s rival Robbie Williams. The ex-Take That star is known to like his pies - always a good basis for producing those really hard and stodgy turds that bung up the waste pipe. Suspect number three was Liam’s elder brother Noel. He too had often boasted of the number of toilets his turds had destroyed, claiming that he once produced one so long that the last two feet of it were sticking out of the toilet bowl. Indeed, a former Dynorod operative once told the tabloids that he had been called to “Supernova Mansions”, Noel's former London home, at least twelve times in a year to sort out unspecified “blockages”.

U2’s Bono was also suspected, having often boasted of his toilet exploits. His extremely noisy shits have been heard all over the world, although a former girlfriend claimed that they were actually mainly wind and Bono could usually barely manage a light pebble-dashing. Last and, quite frankly, a real outsider, was Badly Drawn Boy. Whilst a rising star on the pop scene back in 2000, he had no record in the poop scene. However, it has been suggested that he was behind the monster turd which wrecked the toilets at the 2000 Reading Festival. Sadly, the awards' organisers were never able to pin the mystery turd on any one person and the culprit went unpunished. So, I'm throwing it open to my readers - which of those five do you think did it? I’ve managed to obtain samples of the offending bum , and had them analysed by Thaddeus Cacker aka Dr Dung, Britain’s leading expert on celebrity crap, and he claims to have identified the culprit. If your guess matches his findings, you could win a fabulous prize! But probably not. Good luck and happy flushing!