Thursday, May 15, 2008

Law and Disorder (Part Three)

Some members of the judiciary agree with Tory Law and Order spokesperson Harry Johnson. Judge Henry Cleat, a District Judge at Eastleigh County Court, for instance, believes that modern British society is morally corrupt and on the verge of collapse. “I very much fear that there will be a complete breakdown of civil order, anarchy will reign and a new dark age will descend upon us,” says the bespectacled railway enthusiast. “A strong hand will be needed to reassert the rule of law and mete out justice.” To this end, Judge Cleat has prepared a contingency plan. For the past ten years he has been preparing his ‘Justice Train’ inside a blast-proof engine shed built on his private siding on a well-known preserved steam railway. Consisting of several armoured coaches hauled by a restored steam locomotive, Cleat plans to steam out onto the mainline in the event of civil disorder, dispensing instant justice to wrongdoers - Judge Dredd style. Arriving at trouble spots, Cleat will roar off of the train on a powerful motorcycle, wielding a shotgun. “I will give on the spot rulings and punish the criminals there and then - with death, if necessary”, the fifty-four year old judge, who currently presides over debt and divorce cases, told us, as he pulled on several bandoliers and a black leather outfit, in order to demonstrate his plans.

Sir Adam Splitrump, a former High Court judge, also believes that the criminal justice system needs urgent reform, to the extent that he has opted out and set up his own court for ‘immoral offenders’ - including prostitutes, homosexuals, social workers and young people in general - and his own correctional institute. “Private individuals can bring offenders the system can’t touch before my court,” says Splitrump, who has converted his lounge into a courtroom and his cellar into a prison. “Rest assured that they will be properly punished - with the whip, the cane, even the gallows where necessary.” He is currently on remand, awaiting trial on several counts of assault and attempted murder. “This proves the law is an ass,” says Johnson. “This man should be presiding over the court, not appearing before it!”



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