"Royale-Unis - Zero Points"

So, another humiliation at the Eurovision Song Contest. Hardly surprising, really. Even if a lot of the voting wasn't politically motivated (and I'm not entirely convinced that it is), the fact is that with the preponderance of Eastern European nations taking part now, the kind of music favoured by Western European countries like the UK is less and less likely to find favour with a majority of the audience. Either we enter established acts with a track record of selling records across Europe (and even this might not work, as I doubt very much that the average Eurovision voter falls into the same demographic who buy singles), or we follow the Irish example and enter utter joke acts to show our contempt for the whole process. Indeed, it is my greatest regret about this year's Eurovision that Dustin the Turkey didn't make it past the semi-finals. Believe me, if that puppet had appeared in the final, then I'd have broken the habit of a lifetime and phoned up to vote for him. Several times. Maybe next year we should enter Pinky and Perky, or Cliff Richard on strings, perhaps. The great thing is that, unlike Ireland, whatever shit we enter gets automatic entry to the final!

Of course, there's always another solution. Perhaps it is time to follow the example of the Roman Empire and decide that the whole contest has become to big and sprawling to easily manage, and instead split it into two. Separate Western and Eastern Eurovision Song Contests could provide the answer we're all seeking, allowing everybody a reasonable chance of winning. Indeed, they could even have a Super Cup-style run off between the two winners. This way, countries like the UK would at least have a chance of winning something. As it stands at the moment, even entering the contest seems pointless as we clearly have no prospect of even getting into the top ten. That's the thing about the Eurovision - it might be a bit of a joke to us, but it's only funny as long there's a theoretical chance that our crap song will beat the other crap songs. Without an level playing field of crapness, it's just a bore.