Britain's Got Talent...

...Like fuck it has! Apparently (according to ITV, anyway), Britain's most talented person is some teenager who break dances under a shower. I'd be laughing if that bloody programme didn't get such huge viewing figures. It's all part of this bloody myth that there is this great pool of untapped talent out there, just waiting to be discovered. Depressingly, even the present Prime Minister subscribes to this baseless belief. The reality is that the overwhelming majority of the 'acts' uncovered by programmes like Britain's Got Talent, X-Factor and Pop Idol, were previously undiscovered because they were shite. OK, maybe I'm being a little unfair on the winners; some of them have scaled the heights of mediocrity. Let's face it, whilst they might get a quick number one single off the back of winning the contest, most of them quickly, and deservedly, sink without trace. Nobody buys their records because they're talented - rather because they've seen them on TV. Because we all know that if you're on TV, you must be talented.

But that's the problem, the spawn of these TV talent shows, along with their brethren from so-called 'reality' TV, simply aren't talented in any conventional sense of the term. Far from being talent contests, these programmes are just freak shows. My biggest problem with them is that by promoting these no-hopers (who generally don't seem to grasp that they are being laughed at, not with, by the audience), these programmes are encouraging every loser out there to believe that they've got some kind of talent. Consequently, I can no longer walk into a pub without my ears being assailed by some out-of-tune drunk screeching out the lyrics to an Elvis number in front of a karaoke machine. Either that or I have to put up with some would be DJ (who is probably a bricklayer by day), shouting inane comments over Dire Straits records. Worst of all, I often have to endure various 'musicians' performing (if that's the right word) their own 'compositions' on 'music' nights. Of course, you aren't allowed to point out how shockingly awful these 'performers' are - they're talented for God's sake! Besides, what do you know if you aren't famous and on the telly yourself? That's the sad thing, each and every one of these losers actually believes - thanks to these TV shows - that they're just another performance away from being 'discovered', whereas, in reality, they're just ruining everybody else's night out.