Fuelling the Unrest

Riots sparked by increasing fuel and food prices nearly had to be called off when it was found that participants couldn't afford to buy petrol for their Molotov cocktails. "It's bloody ridiculous - how the hell are we meant to create mayhem and bring the country to its knees when they can't keep petrol prices down?" complained protester Dan Puker, in between hurling bricks at riot police in Birmingham's city centre. "I just thank God for those low supermarket alcohol prices - we were able to buy gallons of vodka for the price of a single tankful of petrol. It's brilliant - you even get the glass bottles this way!"

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has vowed to use his talks with OPEC leaders to try and bring oil prices back within the reach of rioters, anarchists and arsonists. "It's clear to me that this is a serious curb on people's civil liberties," he told a press conference. "Every Briton should have the right to fire bomb inner-city properties - it's part of our basic right to protest at injustice." Brown's stance is a response to criticism from Labour left-wingers that escalating petrol prices were threatening to turn arson and anarchy into activities that only the rich could afford. "Apparently, there's a very real risk that working class arsonists could vanish altogether," said Brown. "We cannot allow another vital skill to be lost from this country."