Me and Nelson Mandela

It is only fitting that on the occasion of the great man's 90th birthday, I regale you with my Nelson Mandela story. Yes folks, it's true, Doc Sleaze, purveyor of low-grade smut and a man once described as 'grossly offensive' by certain senior figures in Britain's intelligence community, once had an encounter with Mr Mandela, undoubtedly one the most genuinely saintly people in history. Now, I know what you are thinking - that I'm going to tell some scurrilous story of how he tried to sell me some hot porn featuring F W De Clerk and half the Zulu nation. But you'd be wrong. Completely wrong. My story is very simple. Way back when Mandela was President of South Africa and made that State visit to London - you remember, it was when he kept Maggie Thatcher waiting for an audience, and when we thought the new Blair administration was the dawn of a bright new era - I was still working in London. One lunchtime, whilst walking down Whitehall to my favourite sandwich shop, I noticed a motorcade sweeping its way down the street toward me.

As the limousine at the motorcade's heart came closer, I could see that the back seat was occupied by none other than Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II and President Mandela. As the car came level with me I couldn't help but notice that Her Majesty was studiously ignoring me by looking fixedly at the opposite side of the street. Now, Mr Mandela, by contrast, not only looked in my direction, but he smiled and waved at me. Yes folks, he waved at me. There was no one else on that side of the road. It was definitely me he was waving at. Naturally, I responded - I gave him the thumbs up sign and the motorcade swept on toward Parliament. OK, so I know it would be a better story if he'd got the driver to stop the limo and offered me a lift. Then I could have told you of how, sat between Nelson and Lizzie, I offered them the benefit of my wit and wisdom, advising them to get down with the sleaze, or whatever. But that didn't happen. What did happen was that in that moment, I briefly made a connection with a living legend. Nelson Mandela is undoubtedly one of the greatest human beings of our time - and he waved at me. I'd like to say that it changed my life profoundly, that I gave up my life of sleaze and instead devoted my life to good works. But obviously, that didn't happen. However, it did make my day, and still makes me smile all these years later.