The Magnificent Twelve Apostles

I know it's Easter, but I really do object to being accosted in the street by faux-nuns and getting preached at. On the one hand, Easter is another of those pagan festivals co-opted by the Christians (even its name derives from a pagan fertility goddess), so we should all be dancing naked around some stone circle, rather than listening to the likes of the Archbishop of Canterbury droning on. On the other, the people accosting me weren't even 'proper' Christians, they were from the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints (which has several denominations, the best known of which are the Mormons). Strangely enough, on a freezing cold Bank Holiday, with snow trying to fall, I'm really not in the mood to engage in theological discussions. Mind you, it isn't just on the street that the God-botherers are accosting us - I've had a double dose of Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, Catholic Archbishop of Westminster in past few days; on TV denouncing human-animal hybrid embryo research, then in The Guardian today denouncing atheistic secularism. I find it quite disturbing that Murphy-O'Connor, the child molester's friend, is allowed to bang on about how embryo research will 'create monsters'. Can't the Catholic church stand the competition?

Is it any wonder that church attendances (of all denominations) are falling if this sort of thing is the best they can do in terms of recruitment. Really, Catholic Bishops ranting out anti-science bigotry and trying to influence the legislative process of a Protestant country, or simply annoying strangers on the street, are not the best ways to showcase your beliefs. Neither presents a particularly positive or progressive image. No, what they need to do is put a modern spin on their faith, one which today's youth can relate to. What they need to do is make a film which 're-imagines' the story of Christ in much the same way that Hollywood has 're-imagined' all those old TV shows like The Dukes of Hazzard, or Mission Impossible. Perhaps they could have Steven Seagal as Christ, who tries to bring justice to the Roman-occupied Holy Land through peaceful means, but finally has to admit defeat and decides that he needs both a new approach and heavy weight help to fulfil his mission. Consequently, he goes off and recruits twelve kick-ass apostles, much in the manner of Yul Brynner in the Magnificent Seven. Each of them could have some kind of special skills based on their professions: the fishermen could hurl nets at villains to entangle them, for instance. They could all be played by action stars like Bruce Willis, Claude van Damme, Stallone and Arnie. Maybe Vin Diesel could be Judas Iscariot. Overcome with remorse at his betrayal of Jesus, he goes on a rampage, using his pieces of silver as weapons to take out Roman soldiers, before finally being cut down. Believe me, this could be a winner - and it would be far better than accosting people on street corners.