Over the Moon

Until his untimely death in 1978, Who drummer Keith Moon was one of rock's greatest hell-raisers, renowned for wrecking hotel rooms and causing chaos. Tales of his exploits are legendary and make the antics of current would-be pop bad-boys, such as the Gallagher brothers, seem like a vicarage tea party. However, not all of Moon's crazy capers have been made public - until now! Speaking exclusively to Sleaze Diary, former top roadie Flinty O'Clinker has revealed many of the Moonster's amazing secrets - including his bizarre penis obsession. "Keith was fascinated by anything that looked remotely like a knob", he told us. "John Lennon reckoned it was because Keith felt inadequate about the size of his own todger - but I think that's just bollocks. Moony was hung like a baboon!". The Who drummer's obsession led to him amassing a huge collection of phallic objects at his Surrey mansion. These ranged from provocatively shaped parsnips to fabulous jewel-encrusted Faberge dildoes originally made for the Romanovs. The collection included a pair of rare steel knob sheaths shaped like cockerel's heads. These were used in the little-known nineteenth century sport of Cornish cock-fighting, when two naked men would strap the sheaths on over their skin-boats and, with their hands tied behind their backs, fence with the sharpened beaks of the sheaths. A demonstration of this to guests at a drunken party in 1976 allegedly resulted in teen-bopper David Cassidy being admitted to hospital with severe lacerations.

Pride of his collection was a blue whale's penis, which he advertised as 'The Largest Penis in the World', when he opened the collection to the public at bank holidays. Sadly, this led to his downfall when, in 1977, Surrey Trading Standards took him to court for fraud, claiming that the exhibit was actually made of papier-mache and therefore could not be the world's largest penis. The case was thrown into chaos when the prosecuting barrister, Thomas Squeers QC, told the judge that he could conclusively prove that Moon's claims were false. Squeers then dropped his trousers shouting, "Obviously it can't be the globe's biggest member, as I have the largest penis in the world!" He then waved his member at the gallery. Whilst the judge fined Squeers £2,000 for perjury, he found against Moon and ordered that the whole collection be seized and destroyed on the grounds of public decency. The following year Moon died a broken man. Says O'Clinker; "I know they claimed his death was down to drugs, but I know that it was the result of a broken heart after the loss of his beloved penis collection."