The Day the Earth Moved

So now I can add 'earthquake survivor' to my CV, after experiencing last night's tremors. Even though I live some two hundred miles from the epicentre of the Great British Earthquake, my house still shook, windows and doors rattling alarmingly. I must admit that I found the whole experience highly traumatic, having no idea of what was going on. Having recently seen Cloverfield, my first thought was that a monster had come up the Thames and was now devouring London, and that what I'd felt were the shock waves from Canary Wharf collapsing. Consequently, I was quite disappointed when I finally thought to turn the radio on, only to learn that it was an earthquake. I was really hoping that I'd be able to turn on BBC News 24 and see live pictures of the Metropolitan Police attempting to arrest a marauding sea monster for criminal damage, disorderly conduct and breach of the peace. They'd probably also try to get it on some trumped up terrorism charges and pin several unsolved murders on the creature.

A monster attack on the capital would have presented a good test for the Mayoral candidates. Doubtless incumbent Ken Livingstone, known for his love of newts, would have tried negotiating with the giant amphibian, attempting to come to some kind of settlement involving a special rate on the congestion charge and free bus travel in return for it only eating Tory voters. His main rival, the buffoon Boris Johnson, would simply have blustered at it, waving his hands ridiculously before, hopefully, getting his head bitten off. No doubt his headless body would have continued to run around waving its hands ridiculously. This being Britain, I can guarantee that several committees would have had to be convened to decide whether combating monsters fell within the jurisdiction of the Greater London Authority or the government - why should tax payers across the country be expected to foot the bill for what's a purely London problem?

Of course, it might have been a monster attack rather than an earthquake. It wouldn't be the first time that the government had engaged in a massive conspiracy to cover up such an incident. Remember that massive explosion at Buncefield a couple of years ago? They tried to blame that on an oil storage facility exploding. I revealed the real facts - that it was the result of an attack by a giant ape - in The Sleaze (see Monster Mash). Mark my words, with global warming and climate change, this sort of thing will happen a lot more, as monsters are forced to leave their traditional habitats like Japan and the US east coast, and head for Britain, instead. If the polar ice cap continues to melt, we're in real trouble - it's a well known fact that many giant prehistoric monsters have been trapped in glaciers and icebergs for millions of years. The government has to act now and put into place proper contingency plans to deal with this potential threat - a Ministry of Monster Defence needs to be set up now and funds allocated for the development of vital defences like ultrasonic blasters and laser cannon. It's the only hope of survival we have!