Sweet Love

"God damn, it may have been dark, but I'd swear it was Warren Beatty I startled raiding my hives," claims Texas apiarist Hank Wangold. "The critter was caught in my flash light beam for a second - a look of panic in his eyes and his balls dripping with honey - before he ran off!" Despite the honey clearly having his pants around his ankles, he was able to out pace the sixty eight year old Texan, and escaped into the night, leaving a ruined beehive behind him. "That's the fifth one so far this year," grumbles Wangold. "I didn't get sight of the critters the other times, but one of my neighbours reckoned he had a sight of that Alice Cooper running into his corn field, honey all down the front of his pants, after the third hive was attacked last month." Apiarists all over the US have been suffering similar attacks, with many being forced out of business due to their losses. Although initially blamed on bears, experts now believe that most of the raids have been carried out by celebrities. "A bee keeper in Pasadena managed to get footage of an attack on his infra-red security cameras," says Professor Larry Porker, bee expert from the University of Alabama. "It clearly showed what appeared to be Jim Belushi tearing off the top of a hive and shoving his penis into the mass of agitated bees! He manages to hold it there for nearly two minutes before the pain gets too much and he runs screaming into the night."

Naturally, Belushi's agent has denied that the figure in the video is his client, adding that Mr Belushi's recent hospitalisation and subsequent wide-legged walk was the result of minor burns sustained in a barbecuing accident. The agent, along with many other commentators, has also questioned why his client - or any other celebrity, for that matter - would want to expose their genitalia to multiple bee stings? "I blame that Mick Jagger," explains Porker. "Ever since it came out that back in the 1980s he'd tried sticking his manhood into a bee-filled bamboo shoot in an attempt at penis enlargement, every B-lister and washed up rock star has been trying the same thing." Whilst there has been no word on whether the 'treatment' has been effective, its impact on the United States' bee-keeping industry has been devastating. "Once a hive has suffered one of these assaults, the bees abandon it completely," says Porker. "Often apiarists don't realise that they have been the victims of an attack until they check their hives after the winter, only to find them empty!" Wangold isn't surprised at the bees' reaction. "I don't blame the poor bastards," he says. "I think I'd do the same damn thing if some degenerate Hollywood bastard stuck his cock through my letter box and waved it around, busting up the place!" With no end in sight to the attacks, Wangold and his fellow bee keepers are threatening reprisals. Already, Nickleback lead singer Chad Kroeger - suspected of defiling a bee hive in Arkansas - has been attacked in his home by two men, who first subdued him by blowing smoke through his letterbox. He was unable to identify his attackers, who hit him over the head with a giant honeycomb, as their faces were obscured by bee keepers hats.