World Wide Pub

With my local pub increasingly full of tossers who look at me as if I'm some kind of unwelcome interloper (I've only been going in there for sixteen years), and who appear to think that shouting inanities at each other constitutes some form of conversation, my thoughts have turned, once again, to setting up a private, by invitation only, bar in my front room. Now, I know what you are going to say - just go and drink in another pub. Unfortunately, the concept of a pub being a place where you go for a drink and a conversation, seems to be dying out. All of the pubs within reasonable walking distance of me seem to think that conversation should be drowned out by loud (and usually shit) recorded music blasting from speakers in every bar. Many of them also insist upon holding 'open mic' nights, where the same bunch of talentless would-be 'musicians' caterwaul to the same tone deaf audience who applaud them wildly. Quite why anyone would find this entertaining is beyond me.

Anyway, getting back to my bar, it occurred to me that my guests need not even be physically present. All it would need would be for us to set up webcams in our front rooms, and we could create a virtual pub. Think of the advantages - we'd all have the beers of our choice, no arguments over what flavoured crisps to buy, we'd all supply our own, no worries about last orders, if you want to smoke, you can do so in the privacy of your own home, no having to go outside for a fag. Best of all, if you get bored with someone, you can just switch them off! Brilliant! If we wanted to get sophisticated, we could even subdivide our pub into virtual rooms, where different conversations and activities could take place. Being virtual, there'd be no need to confine ourselves to having just a saloon bar and public bar, we could have a lounge bar, a sports bar, a gay bar, a coffee bar, a milk bar, whatever people wanted. Of course, as so much with and wisdom is spoken in pubs, be could record the best of our conversations, and release them to the web as 'pubcasts'. I really think this concept has legs - it's the perfect way to avoid all those undesirable elements currently dominating my local pub scene - and if they do creep in, they're easy to eject and, if necessary, ban permanently. There's no doubt in my mind, this the future of social drinking! Remember, you heard it here first!