The Twat in the Hat

Stupid hats - they really piss me off. Seriously. If there's one thing guaranteed to make my blood boil it is the sight of someone wearing a stupid hat. When I say stupid hat, I don't mean homburgs, trilbys, bowlers and the like, (although such 'proper' or sensible, hats can look stupid if worn inappropriately - an example being this arsehole who comes into my local pub wearing a flat cap, he's far too young for such headgear and seems to think it a trendy fashion accessory. Flat caps are never trendy and can never be an accessory to anything other than whippets or pigeons). No, I'm referring here to anything knitted, anything with tassles or pom-poms, anything with bells, anything 'ethnic' (particularly 'Peruvian') or anything incorporating Union Jacks, novelty features such as fake seagulls, or anything vaguely floppy. I think you get the picture. Anyway, as soon as I see anyone wearing headgear falling into any, or all, of these categories, I inevitably have to stop myself from saying "Fuck me, it's the 'Twat in the Hat'."

I feel justified in harbouring such sentiments as the proliferation of these hats just confirms to me the continued rise of the idiot in today's society. Surely the only sort of person who would wear such an abomination and seriously think that it either served any useful function, or was in any way 'fashionable' or (God forbid) amusing, must surely be a twat. Or mentally deficient. Indeed, only this afternoon I found my approach to the tinned fish in Tesco being blocked by a pair of truly gormless individuals wearing tassled 'Peruvian'-style stupid hats. Quite apart from the fact that the hats were utterly ridiculous looking, who, other than an idiot, would wear any bloody hat indoors? Really, if their intent was to keep their heads warm, why not just wear a standard woolen hat? Obviously, such headgear wouldn't be 'flamboyant' enough. As far as I can see, the main purpose of wearing stupid hats is to draw attention to oneself. It's all part of the idiot desire to somehow appear 'different' or 'interesting', despite the fact that they lack talent, intelligence or charisma. Instead, they substitute a stupid hat for these attributes, desperately hoping that it will draw attention to them. And frankly, if it is attention you want, you shouldn't get upset when people shout "Fuck me, it's the 'Twat in the Hat'!" at you.