What Goes On in Your Kitchen?

Another thing I hate about this time of year - the way all those cheery Christmas adverts give way to really dull TV ads trying to sell you home furnishings and the like. Do people really think, 'Thank God Christmas is over - but instead of resting my wallet, I'll go out and buy a new three piece suite"? I can't say that I ever have. But then again, I'm notoriously tight fisted. The one which annoys me the most is the one for Magnet Kitchens. You know - the one with the slogan 'What's Going on in Your Kitchen?', where some actors pretending to be customers tell us how Magnet designed the ideal kitchen for them. Apparently the key to perfection lies in telling the advisers what happens in your kitchen. Personally, I'd have thought that it should be pretty straightforward as surely the only answer you are going to get is 'cooking'. But it seems I'm wrong. I've obviously been living a very sheltered life, as I can't say I've ever danced, strangled clowns or clubbed seals in my kitchen.

So, I'm thinking of going down to my local Magnet Showroom (which, as it happens, is only a couple of streets away) and enquiring about a new kitchen. When they ask 'What Goes on in Your Kitchen', I'm considering telling them that I regularly take that girl who does the local TV weather from behind at the sink, whilst she does the washing up, except on Tuesdays, when I bend her across the gas stove for similar purposes. Oh, and on alternate Saturdays I make mad passionate love to all of 'Girls Aloud' (including the one with the face like a slapped arse and the one with a conviction for assault) on the kitchen floor. I'd like to see what they'll come up with in response to that. Maybe a fridge with a condom dispenser? Or a handy vibrator rack under the kitchen cupboards? Extra storage for jazz mags, perhaps? A whipping block instead of a chopping block? Of course, if I had all that in my kitchen, I probably wouldn't have any space for cooking utensils, so it is just as well that these days you apparently aren't meant to cook there.