The Twelve Lays of Christmas

Following on from my earlier thoughts about updating the traditional Christmas ghost story, it occurred to me that we don't have Christmas-themed versions of other genres. Why not have a traditional Christmas porno film, I asked myself. Not surprisingly (for regular readers, at least), my thoughts have wandered in this direction in the past. Indeed, I've often thought that it should be possible to build a traditional British sex comedy around a popular Christmas song, like 'Twelve Days of Christmas'. The conceit of Santa enjoying a different erotic experience for each of the twelve days would provide an ideal structure, the only problem would be in translating the lyrics into sexually explicit terms. Obviously, the 'Partridge in a Pear Tree' could involve shagging some fat bird in a tree. She could hang upside from the lower branches and give Santa a blow job, for instance. Now, the 'Two Turtle Doves' are bit more beguiling - perhaps they could be euphemism for breasts - so on the second day he gets given a tit wank by a girl with a huge pair of knockers. Of course, if the lyrics of the original song are to be followed, he'd have to give the bird in the tree one again, as well.

What of the other gifts described in the lyrics? Well, the french hens could be exotic Parisian prostitutes sent for a three-in-a-bed romp, the four calling birds could be a variation on this theme, a quartet of call girls who perform some full on hot lesbo action. Lest it all get a bit repetitive, the five gold rings could be a reference to handcuffs and a bondage session. Six geese a-laying? Six birds who take it up the arse? Now, seven swans a-swimming, that's a bit more problematic. Maybe a gang-bang in a swimming pool. Eight maids a-milking - eight girls wank him off or he gets to 'milk' the breasts of eight girls. The nine ladies dancing would undoubtedly be a bunch of those highly flexible and skinny ballet dancers come round to do all sorts of amazing sexual contortions with their bodies. Now, ten lords a-leaping suggests some kind of gay angle - who knows, maybe Santa swings both ways? Eleven pipers piping? Clearly oral sex - ten horny girls take it in turn to 'blow his pipe'. Finally, twelve drummers drumming is a reference to spanking - Santa gets to warm the lovely behinds of twelve comely lasses.

As I noted earlier, if the sentiments of the song are followed, then each new erotic encounter would have to be followed by a repetition of all the previous ones. Consequently, at the end of his twelve days, Santa would be completely exhausted, and would need the rest of the new year to summon up the energy he needed for next Christmas. All-in-all, a suitably festive sex romp observing the conventions of British erotic cinema, I think you'll agree. It could be a winner, repeated on TV year after year. Indeed, more adventurous fans wouldn't be content just to watch it every year, they'd undoubtedly want to try and emulate Santa's exploits, thereby generating festive revenue for Britain's prostitutes. Another winner, I think!