Running Wild

Amid newspaper claims that a party of Boy Scouts on a camping trip in Wales had been attacked and eaten by a pack of hyenas, a top cryptozoologist has sensationally claimed that there is a government conspiracy to cover up the fact that Britain is becoming overrun with alien wild animals, including lions, tigers and other big cats. “The problem is getting completely out of hand, more and more people are being eaten every week, yet the government continues to deny the existence of these animals,” says Andy Gulpin, a leading expert in the identification of anomalous and unknown species. “Already this year at least sixty children have been devoured by wild animals, but the authorities still will not act! How many more people must die before something is done?” Controversially, Gulpin believes that the government has used the recent hysteria over paedophiles to cover up many of the deaths. “Every time a child goes missing in this country, the police immediately claim that it is the work of paedophiles and fit up some local kiddie fiddler, rather than admit the truth - that these poor children have most probably become the victims of some hungry wild beast,” he claims. “I don’t know why the press and public buy it - it beggars belief that there could possibly be that many child molesters at large in this country! When bodies are found, they always claim that they are too badly decomposed for visual identification, and the funerals are inevitably closed cask - the truth is that they don’t want anyone to see that these unfortunate kids have been mauled to death by lions and usually have at least a couple of arms or legs missing!” Gulpin also believes that the authorities have conspired to conceal physical evidence of these animals. “Back in January several drivers reported having to swerve to avoid hitting a rhino roaming along the M4 motorway near Swindon,” he claims. “After an articulated lorry jack-knifed - apparently after striking something on the road - a friend of mine saw two official looking men in an unmarked white van seal off a lane of the motorway and stealthily remove a large grey object from the road - obviously the rhino’s carcass!” Wiltshire County Council deny this allegation, saying the object was actually a tarpaulin blown loose from the crashed lorry.

However, Gulpin believes that he has finally obtained the physical evidence he needs to prove that various exotic species are living wild in Britain. “Last month in Gloucestershire four school children waiting at a village bus stop were trampled to death by stampeding wildebeest. Whilst the local police have claimed that they were struck by an out of control cattle truck, and that the wildebeest reports were the result of mass hysteria, triggered by several cows escaping from the back of the overturned lorry, I’ve obtained samples of dung left in the wake of the stampede. Scientific analysis has shown that it definitely not common or garden cow dung,” he gleefully told The Sleaze. “According to an expert in comparative dung studies, the faeces found in Gloucestershire is consistent with that left by certain species of Bison native only to Africa!” Gulpin is now hopeful of obtaining samples of other emissions left by alien animals. “A woman in Bromley recently had her car written off after an elephant leapt out of some bushes and apparently tried to shag it - the back end is completely crushed and covered with a sticky effusion. I’m very hopeful of retrieving some jism samples,” he confides. The woman, a Mrs Glenda Princod, is still stunned by her close encounter with an amourous pachyderm. “The first I knew of it was when there was this huge jolt as I was reversing off of the driveway, I thought I’d hit something in the road! Imagine my surprise when I looked in the rear view mirror to discover that an adult African bull elephant had mounted the back of the car and was proceeding to bounce up and down on it! His thrusting was so vigourous that both rear tyres burst and the suspension collapsed,” she recalls. “I can only imagine that he mistook my car for a female elephant - it is grey, and in a certain light a Fiat Brava does bear a passing resemblance to an elephant.” The forty-six year old housewife was not entirely surprised to see an elephant on a suburban street. “There have been reports of strange trumpeting sounds coming from the local park after dark,” she says. “And only the other night I thought I saw something big and greyish in my headlights as it ran across the road and vanished into a hedgerow. At first I thought it was just a stray dog, but now I’m sure it was an elephant - it definitely had a trunk.” Unfortunately, Mrs Princod was unable to get a photo of the beast, which vanished as suddenly as it appeared, nor was the incident witnessed by any of her neighbours. Consequently, her insurance company has cast doubt on her version of events. “They’re refusing to payout, saying that I reversed the car into my garage wall - its not true, the wall has been like that for months - ever since it was damaged by a rampaging hippo,” she claims angrily.