The Adventures of Nude Man

Metropolis had Superman, Gotham City could boast of Batman, now Lewisham too, appears to have acquired its very own superhero - Nude Man. Recent weeks have seen a spate of sightings of this exciting new crimefighter - whose true identity remains a mystery. Local resident Thomas Michaels claims to have seen Nude Man tackle a potentially dangerous beggar who was harassing pedestrians in Lewisham High Street one afternoon. “This scruffy lice-ridden drunk bloke was staggering around, calling people bastards and stuff because they wouldn’t give him money, when this naked man came running out of some nearby public toilets.” The terrifying sight of a naked superhero, his mighty super-tackle swaying up and down threateningly, apparently caused the beggar to flee in terror. “I don’t know what would have happened if Nude Man hadn’t turned up,” says Micheals. “The situation could have got very nasty, I’m sure that beggar was about to start calling people arseholes - who knows where that could have led?” Despite these and other eyewitness accounts the authorities in Lewisham remain sceptical as to the existence of Nude Man. “We have had no reports of crimes being foiled by naked crimefighters,” said Chief of Police Ron Nadge. “However, there have been reports of a streaker in the area and several complaints of indecent exposure from local women. I would urge the public not to tackle dangerous criminals themselves, especially not when naked. Leave that sort of thing to the Police.”

Nonetheless, many remain convinced that Nude Man exists and is making the streets safe for them. Local superhero expert Jim Bowman believes that the authorities are deliberately covering up the existence of the unclad crusader. “They are worried that he’s making them look inefficient,” Bowman told Sleaze Diary. He says that the police have desperately been trying to identify Nude Man, claiming that he has proof that during May they held an unusual identity parade at Lewisham Police Station. “They lined up six likely suspects and got them to strip from the waist down, whilst eyewitnesses were asked if they recognised any of the todgers - its his most frequently described feature,“ Bowman claimed. Police have allegedly now put together a photo-fit of Nude Man’s genitalia from eyewitness descriptions. Lewisham Mayor Dan Knuckler, however, maintains that there is no superhero activity in his borough. “Nude Man is a hoax,” he recently told the press. “The only people going naked in public in this borough are sick perverts who enjoy frightening old ladies in the park, and they will be arrested and dealt with by the courts. People like Jim Bowman are highly irresponsible. I don’t know what his motivation is in stirring up public panic with his ludicrous allegations!” Nevertheless, many disagree with their Mayor and say they are thankful for Nude Man’s intervention in local crime. “I’ll take him over the police any day – those buggers only turn up when it’s too late, if at all. Nude Man doesn't have to be called – he just appears whenever a crime is committed. That’s what I call proper crime prevention,” comments Lewisham newsagent Jake Dilljock, who has witnessed many of Nude Man’s exploits first hand. “I’m telling you, this place was overrun with muggers, flashers and sex offenders before he turned up. Trust me, It wasn’t safe for women to walk the streets at night before he started getting his cobblers out.”

For more of Nude Man's adventures, read Naked Justice over at The Sleaze!