Scream and Cream Again?

Have you ever been kept awake by the noisy nocturnal antics of your neighbours? What was worse - the banging of the headboard against the wall or the incessant moaning? Or are you really unlucky and live next door to a screamer, with every climax punctuated with an ear-splitting shriek which sets dogs barking for a five-mile radius? What’s the solution? Its not as if you can casually mention it over the garden fence - “Lovely day, see the chrysanthemums are in bloom again. Oh, and by the way, do you think you could shag a little more quietly please?” You could always resort to law, as Cindy Crawford’s neighbours allegedly once did. But why not save your money and simply record the offending sounds. You could then play them back loudly when you know her husband/boyfriend is alone next door. That way he’ll think she’s having an affair with you. Even better, you could actually make some money by selling those piercing screams to a porn movie producer.

Its a little known fact that many porn actresses, although talented physical performers, are completely unable to produce satisfactory vocal performances to match. Consequently, producers and directors are always on the lookout for suitable vocal doubles, sometimes even resorting to secretly recording members of the public. Sound engineer Vernon Diddle remembers spending a large part of the 1970s and 1980s hanging around outside nurses’ homes and girls school dormitories with his microphone, hoping to hear some good screaming. He was arrested at least three times by the police during this period, and had his sound equipment confiscated twice. “Whenever a friend told me of a noisy female neighbour, I’d rush around there with my equipment”, he recalls. “It was a simpler and safer method of getting the material!” As a result of his efforts, Diddle has been able to build up an unparalleled library of sexual vocal effects, which he now licences to producers for use in adult films. “Its always important to get the appropriate type of scream”, he enthuses. “The sound of a woman reaching orgasm is quite different to the type of scream you get when they’re taken up the arse. Also, the timbre and volume of the scream varies according to the size of the member involved.” Its this attention to detail which has made Diddle indispensable to the industry.

Not all porn stars need to be dubbed. One celebrated performer during the 1980s was Magna Cum Loudly, perhaps best remembered for her 1988 classic Rear Entry. Diddle recalls working with her on several films: “She had the most amazing voice, she could set off car alarms up to three streets away when she climaxed! I once saw her shatter glass when she did it doggy-style with Johnny Thunderbox in Anal Angel - she even cracked the camera lens!” Of course, it is not just female screams which are required, often male performers vocal talents are also sadly lacking and suitable doubles have to be found. Here the task is often more difficult than with women. “You can never tell what type of screamer a man is,” says Diddle. “Secret FBI surveillance recordings I’ve obtained show that manly John F Kennedy, for instance, squealed like a girl when ejaculating, even with Marilyn Monroe, whereas secret recordings I made of King of Camp Kenneth Williams shows he bellowed like a moose during sex with Joe Orton!” Diddle has now made his sound library available on the web at www.sexscreamers.com.