Green Fingers

Day time television viewers were left shocked after popular gardening expert Adam Tithead appeared to suffer an on air breakdown. Throughout Monday's edition of his show Green Fingers, forty three year old Tithead repeatedly squeezed a pair of large ripe melons, much to the discomfort of their owner, amateur horticulturalist Jane Wabbs, a guest on that morning's programme. Finally, after having spent the entire programme casting lustful glances at the pair, whilst stroking his prize marrow, Tithead dropped his trousers as the end credits rolled and masturbated furiously over the big melons, ejaculating spectacularly just as transmission ended. Tithead's latest antics should, perhaps, come as no surprise. His anchoring of Green Fingers marked the climax of a remarkable comeback for the gardener - fifteen years earlier he had been spectacularly sacked by the BBC from his high-profile role as resident horticulture expert on flagship children’s programme Blue Peter. He originally got the job on the recommendation of his gardening idol, veteran Gardener's World presenter Percy Thrower. His dismissal came after it emerged that, amongst other unsavoury practices, had used his own excreta to fertilise the Blue Peter garden at BBC Television Centre.

Even more disturbingly, it was discovered that after Percy Thrower's death, a distraught Tithead had, using pruning shears, taken 'cuttings' from the body and planted them in the programme's Italian sunken garden in the hope that he could somehow re-grow the great gardener. Millions of children were severely traumatised when, during a live transmission, presenter John Noakes came across seven of Thrower's mouldering fingers amongst the lupins in a flower bed. The other missing digits have never been found, leading to fears that Tithead might try once more to grow a new Percy Thrower. Furious at being sacked, Tithead wrecked the Blue Peter garden. Presenter Peter Purves was initially mistakenly blamed for this outrage, leading to his sudden resignation from the programme and relegation to darts commentating duties. It is believed that Tithead's latest breakdown could be linked to the recent breakdown of his marriage. His wife is currently filing for divorce on the grounds of adultery after finding Tithead in naked bed fumbling with a large bush. He later claimed that he was merely pruning it.