Hand Relief

Is it just me, or is Sport Relief just a charity telethon too far? Yet another Friday evening's viewing on BBC is blighted by the presence of various celebrities and sports persons showing us just how virtuous they are by giving up their valuable time, free of charge, to urge us mere mortals to give our hard earned cash to charity. Now, bearing in mind that most professional sportsmen are even more overpaid than actors and entertainers - it isn't unusual for Premiership footballers, for instance, to earn £50,000 a week - why don't they just all donate a week's wages? Believe me, that'd raise far more than all those 'hilarious' charity stunts they want us to sponsor them to do. I'm sorry to sound like such a miserable old git, but I really am sick and tired of these charity events where endless parades of wealthy sportsmen, comedians, actors, pop stars and the like tell me how wicked I am for not donating any of my meagre wages. But it's OK, none of them are being paid a fee for harassing me.

If it isn't Sport Relief, then it's bloody Comic Relief or Children in Need. Why don't we just keep it simple and have Hand Relief. In fact, I'll lay down the challenge here - I'm asking Britain's celebrities to sponsor me for wanking. Yes folks, I'm quite prepared to get in a good stock of jazz mags and tissues and devote a whole evening to jerking off. Don't worry - you won't have to pay up unless I actually ejaculate. And just to prove that I'm actually doing the deed, I'm even ready to set up a web cam and broadcast the whole event on the net. I promise that all proceeds will go to charity - I won't be charging a fee, I'll even pay for my own wank mags - and I won't spend any of them on beer. So come on Terry Wogan, Jonathan Ross et al, sign up now to Hand Relief, you know you can all afford a quid or two to keep me pleasured!