Saturday, July 21, 2007

Prick up Your Ears

A Berkshire man is taking out an injunction against both BBC and commercial radio stations to try and stop them from broadcasting filth. "It's just non-stop," says twenty two year old Jimmy Nooles. "Every waking hour all I hear is sexual innuendo and smut. Lately it has been getting worse - just pure pornography." However, Nooles denies that he is offended by the material he hears. Rather, his complaint is that the pornographic nature of the programming is causing him embarrassing and unwanted erections. "I first noticed it when I was in my teens - I was listening to Sara Cox on the Radio One Breakfast Show in my pyjamas one morning," he explains, "when I felt something stirring, I looked down to see this huge stalk on! It was really embarrassing - my mother was right there in the room with me! She got an eye full as I fled from the kitchen, my pyjama bottoms flapping open!" Thinking that it was just BBC Radio One, Jimmy tried tuning to other stations, but it made no difference. "It didn't seem to matter who or what was on air - Brian Redhead on Radio Four's 'Today' programme, Beethoven concerts on Three. I even found Terry Wogan giving me the horn on Radio Two," he claims. "Of course, I just assumed it was those sex-obsessed communists at the BBC, so I tried commercial radio instead." Sadly, this was to have disastrous consequences. Whilst out jogging, listening on his walkman to Simon Bates on Classic FM, Nooles found himself arrested for indecent exposure. "How was I to know that woman was going to walk past, just as I was trying to disentangle my huge bonk on from my track suit bottoms?" he asks. "But the police just wouldn't listen!"

Released with a caution and placed on a court-ordered course of psychotherapy, Nooles' problems seemed to subside as he left his teens. For several months he experienced no inappropriate erections. However, eighteen months ago, his wayward penis once again reared its purple head when least desired. "I was just sitting on the bus minding reading The Sun, when this girl opposite me started screaming and pointing at my lap," he recalls. "I looked down to see that I had an erection so monstrous that it had burst out of my trousers!" Once again, the police refused to believe Nooles, and he found himself serving a three month prison sentence for indecent exposure and placed on the Sex Offenders Register. "The weird thing was that I wasn't listening to the radio when it happened," he says. "I'd given up after that other unfortunate business!" Nooles quickly concluded that radio filth was being beamed directly into his mind by the broadcasters. "It was no accident that this latest attack coincided with an increase in digital radio broadcasts," he muses. "As more digiboxes were sold and more stations started digital broadcasts, my problems got worse. Some days I could barely walk for the massive and painful erections I was having. It wasn't unusual for me to ejaculate in my underpants when that filthy bastard Chris Moyles was on air." Nooles decided to take action to protect himself from the evil radio waves. "I tried wearing one of those tinfoil hats. I thought it would be worth the ridicule if it stopped these damned erections," he says. "But it had no effect. Then it dawned on me - it wasn't my brain they were beaming that filth to; it was going direct to my genitals!" Nooles' solution was simple - he wrapped his penis and scrotum with baking foil. "It is such a relief," he sighs. "The radio waves just bounce off of my cock now, which remains flaccid all day long." The foil wrap isn't without its drawbacks. "On really hot days my cock and balls do begin to literally roast - you can hear them sizzling," he reveals. "The other day it got so painful that I had to unwrap them in a cafe and stab my prick with a fork to release the pressure and stop it from exploding! Still, it is a very small price to pay for peace of mind."

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