Saving Planet Earth?

I'm afraid I got rather confused about the BBC's recent Saving Planet Earth series, which, over two weeks, featured various 'celebrities' (although some of the participants stretched this concept to the limits) travelling to exotic locales at licence fee payers expense to report on the plights of various endangered species. (Surely all those air miles must have had a terrible effect on the ozone layer, contributing to the climate change which is destroying the habitats of many of these species?) The whole thing culminated yesterday in a live event at Kew Gardens featuring the likes of Alan Titchmarsh, Graham Norton and Avril Lavigne. I foolishly thought that this was going to involve some kind of viewer participation, where we voted on which species we wanted to see saved, with the others being 'evicted' from planet earth. I was expecting Graham Norton to tell us that the Ring Tailed Lemurs had dropped out of the race at the first round, and would all be put into a hessian sack and beaten to death with a brick by Avril Lavigne. Sadly, all she did was sing, and all he did was ask us for money.

My hopes had been raised when Nick Knowles appeared live from Madagascar, telling us that every hour nine Orang-Utangs died. I thought that he meant that he was going to kill an Orang-Utang every six minutes, or so, that viewers' monetary contributions didn't hit the programme's targets. I was really looking forward to Alan Titchmarsh cutting back to Nick Knowles screaming "You stingy bastards, look what you've made me do", before cutting the throat of another Orang-Utang and hurling its lifeless body from his jungle tree house. But it just wasn't to be. In fact, it turned out to be a pretty sorry affair, with the only musical acts on display being those who couldn't get booked for T in The Park or Live Earth. Or get arrested, for that matter. Speaking of Live Earth, I'd just like to say, after a day of having it take up the entire BBC1 schedule - fuck off! Look, I know that fighting climate change is important. I don't need a load of publicity hungry pop stars and celebrities to tell me. In fact, I'm already doing more than any of those bastards. For one thing, I haven't flown in a jet liner today. Or any day for a bloody long time. I've given up international travel to help stem the damage to our planet. I don't even have a valid passport any more. I also use energy saving light bulbs, don't leave electrical appliances on stand-by, and drive a diesel, which could run on environmentally friendly bio-diesel, but doesn't because no garages round here sell it. So don't fucking patronise me, put your own houses in order first, you fucking wastes of space!