Smoking Out the Terrorists

You know, I can't help but feel that the government and media are over-reacting somewhat to these latest supposed terror attacks. So, someone drives a blazing car into an airport terminal in Glasgow - so what? Isn't that just an average Saturday afternoon in Glasgow? What never ceases to amaze me are the number of people who stop and film the whole bloody thing on their phones. For God's sake, what's wrong with them? If a burning car crashed into a building near me, I'd be too busy running for my life to worry about whether or not I could get on the Ten O'clock news with my disaster scene footage. Then there was that 'hero' who helped tackle one of the vehicle's occupants - the guy was on fire, for fuck's sake, he was hardly dangerous, was he, (unless you were wearing one of those polyester shirts from Asda)? What perplexed me most about the whole business was the fact that the car involved was a Jeep Cherokee. I was thinking of buying one of those, but now I'll have to fill in some kind of security questionnaire, where I'll be asked whether I ever intend filling the back seat with propane cylinders and driving it into an airport. Hell, how do I answer that without incriminating myself? I mean, it wasn't high on my list of priorities, but I'd like to keep the option open...

Of course, there remains the whole question of whether these really were terrorist attacks. Just look at the timing - coincidence, or what? No, I don't mean the coincidence with Gordon Brown's accession to the Premiership, but the coincidence with the introduction of the ban on smoking in public places in England. Look at the evidence - both vehicles were described by witnesses as 'smoking', both were aimed at public places where smoking would normally be allowed: a nightclub and an airport terminal. Trust me, these weren't Al Qaida fanatics, but militant smokers. Mark my words, this is just the start of a sustained campaign. Next thing you know our televisions will be dominated by pictures of chocking and gasping commuters staggering from tube stations as the smokers flood the London Underground with cigarette smoke. Packed pubs will be targeted by 'suicide smokers', prepared to destroy their lungs by rushing in with over a hundred cigarettes simultaneously alight in their mouths. I shudder to think where it will all end - the Queen assassinated with a cloud of poisonous fumes from a wide bowled pipe, perhaps?