Saturday, June 16, 2007


So, they released Michael Barrymore after questioning him again about the murder of Stuart Lubbock. If only they'd pulled him in for crimes against entertainment. They'd have had him bang to rights on that charge. Indeed, I would have looked forward to him standing trial for that - I might have at last learned exactly what it is that Barrymore does which can be considered 'entertaining'? From what I can remember of his TV appearances, he simply used to present game shows during which he jumped around the set shout "Awright?" at contestants and audience alike, all of whom would collapse into fits of hysterics. I can only charitably assume that they used to empty the local psychiatric wards to provide audiences for those programmes. Actually, as I recall, a lot of his 'fans' seemed to be quite elderly and were probably not sure where they were anyway. The laughing was probably of the nervous variety, designed to cover up the fact that they were confused and probably incontinent. Still, if he had gone to trial (for either murder or crimes against entertainment), his lawyers could probably have got him off by ensuring the jury was packed full of OAPs.

Of course, I must emphasise here that Michael Barrymore hasn't actually been convicted of any crime. Indeed, it hasn't even been established that a crime, or even anything untoward, actually occurred at his house six years ago. I mean, who hasn't woken up the morning after a wild party to find a dead gay butcher floating in our swimming pool? It's all reminiscent of the infamous 'wild party' in the 1920s, which wrecked the career of silent comedian Roscoe 'Fatty' Arbuckle. There a dead girl was found in the bedroom, with all sorts of rumours circulating that her internal injuries were the result of having been sexually assaulted with bottle, or even by the gargantuan Arbuckle crushing her during frenzied sex. He was never charged with her murder, though. If you substitute 'giant knock wurst' for 'bottle', it could be the Barrymore case. Mind you, the tragedy of a young man losing his life aside, the fact that the victim was a butcher and Barrymore recently 'out' as gay provided all sorts of comedic opportunities. Did he regularly supply Barrymore with a lovely piece of blue veined steak, one wonders? Or even deliver some hambone to Barrymore's back door? Stillif, Barrymore was ever to go down on a tubesteak, no, sorry, for murder or some other crime (not that he's been charged with anything, obviously), would we see a Paris Hilton-style fan campaign to have him freed? Imagine that, thousands of addled pensioners and psychiatric patients petitioning the Home Secretary. There's a thought.

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