Last of The Romantics?

Don't you just love those one-line episode synopses they give for the soaps in the Radio Times? There must be an art to it - the way in which they intrigue and titillate the casual reader. Take the one for yesterday's episode of Eastenders, for instance: "Bradley tries to win back Stacey with a bag of chips and a film". The images that evokes! Just what was he going to do with those chips? Still, on the basis of that synopsis, there's no doubt that Bradley is a pretty smooth operator when it comes to the ladies. A man after my own heart, actually. In my experience, all the flowers, restaurants and jewellery in the world, are no match for a portion of chips when it comes to capturing a lady's heart. In fact, you can tell a great deal from what it is they want to put on the chips. Soy sauce might indicate that they are some kind of eco-warrior, whilst curry sauce hints at fiery tempers, lager swilling and throwing up in the gutter. Maybe even a bit of a slapper (as they say in Eastenders). Mayonnaise on chips is a sure sign of the kind of weirdo to be avoided at all costs. Before you know it, she'll be boiling people's heads up in a saucepan. No, I'm a straightforward salt and vinegar man myself, when it comes to chips. If the lady in question opts for the same, I know I've found a soul mate.

The tricky bit, obviously, is the choice of film. A knocked off DVD of The Opening of Misty Beethoven is going to send the wrong message entirely. If you really must indulge in porn, at least try and go for something like Last Tango in Paris, which you can always pass of as an 'art movie', thereby implying a degree of sophistication on your part. But whatever you do, avoid Nine and a Half Weeks, it is guaranteed to bore both of you to death. Personally, I don't believe that you can beat a good old slice of 1980s zombie cannibal gut gruncher. They have the advantage of being relatively brief - rarely much over eighty minutes - and are ludicrous enough to be able to pass off as being 'ironic' once again implying a degree of sophistication for yourself. The post-modern fascination and occasional acclaim for such pieces of popular culture can make you seem intellectual, without appearing pretentious. (The use of a true art house move, typically three hours of bum-numbing costume drama or social realism, with subtitles, would have the opposite effect). A good alternative to the Italian zombie movie, if you want to appear a bit classier, would be any of Hammer's gothic horrors from the 1950s or 1960s. I ask you, what could be more romantic than the sight of Hazel Court's heaving bosoms as Peter Cushing leers at her in The Curse of Frankenstein? A word of caution here - try and avoid Hammer's post-1970 output which places far more emphasis on lesbian vampires. These are solitary pleasures.

So, there you have it; my fail-safe guide to wooing the modern woman. As I didn't actually see Monday's Eastenders, I haven't a clue if this worked for Bradley. But rest assured, so long as he followed my advice, he'll have won her heart for sure!