Indecent Exposure

Apparently the American naturist movement is finding it difficult to recruit new young members. At least, according to The Guardian the other week, that is. I'm really not surprised. Let's be honest here, most of us, when we're young, only ever contemplate going to nudist beaches and colonies in the hope of glimpsing some fit birds in the buff. But, of course, it never happens. Such places turn out to be populated by middle aged exhibitionists unwittingly proving why the average human body is best kept covered up (mine included). The fact is that nowadays the young (and the not-so young) can see a plethora of beautiful naked bodies, well, just about anywhere. Just turn on the telly after the watershed and pick a channel at random. Newspapers are full of them - in the tabloids it is good honest page three smut, whilst the broadsheets hide behind the excuse of 'art' to justify showing naked women. Ultimately, there's little difference. Then there's the internet. Ah, the internet! The home of free pornography - delivered direct to your own home without the embarrassment of having to buy mucky magazines from some middle aged cashier who looks like your Auntie Joan, in W H Smiths.

My favourite bit of the Guardian article is where the naturists claim that if everyone is naked, then the sexual titillation angle is eliminated. Really? That's why most pornography features naked people, often in multiple, is it? But of course, the observer is probably fully clothed, which is what's making it sexy. Actually, the average porn user is probably only half clothed - their trousers and underpants are usually around their ankles. (Not that I speak from experience here, of course). The bottom line is that, in my opinion, naturism is simply impractical. We are just not designed to be walking around in the wild stark naked. I can't speak for the ladies here, but from a male perspective, it is difficult to think of anything more painful than getting your bollocks entangled in a bramble bush, or your scrotum stung by wasp, or your todger sunburned. Why the hell do you think that mankind started wearing clothes? From prehistory onwards, we've sought to protect our vulnerable bits with animal fur, cloth, armour or whatever. Quite apart from the protective aspect, in large parts of the world, the weather makes it impractical to be a nudist. Are the naturists really asking me to believe that they don't don wellington boots and raincoats when it rains? Do they stand around turning blue and withering in the winter snow? Of course not! Indoor nudism is about as far as you can go in this country. Indeed, if these people want to take their clothes off and wander around naked in the privacy of their own homes, that's fine by me. Just don't go around thrusting your naked genitals in my face when I'm strolling down the beach!