Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Sex Bomb - The Untold Story

Here's something I unearthed from my archives. This is the original opening of the story that eventually became Sex Bomb. In the event, the concept of the story changed sufficiently during the writing process that I came up with a whole new opening. However, I'm always loathe to leave anything unused, so I present it here:

“I couldn’t believe my luck, it was the first time a woman had ever offered to perform oral sex on me without asking for payment up front,” explains thirty-six year old Lewisham IT worker Maurice Wickler as he describes his first night with his new Russian mail order bride. However, his pleasure was quickly to turn to terror. “As she progressed with the act, I started to feel this pain in my scrotum - I looked down to see my testicles inflating to the size of tennis balls! At first I thought that maybe it was a normal part of the experience, after all, I have heard it called a ‘blow job’!” Wickler became increasingly alarmed as his testes continued to balloon. “I tried to force her head back, away from my genitals,” he claims. “But it was no good - she had a grip like iron!” Finally, the inevitable happened, and Wickler’s testicles exploded messily across his duvet. As he writhed in agony, screaming for help, his Russian bride fled into the South London night.

Scotland Yard detectives hunting the woman - known as Katya - are warning that she could represent the vanguard of a major new terror threat. “We believe that there could be hundreds, possibly thousands, of these girls ready to infiltrate the UK from the former Soviet Union in the guise of mail order brides,” opines Detective Chief Inspector Ron Grommet of the Anti-Terrorist Branch. “We believe these girls are the products of a KGB training programme from the Cold War, designed to produce a phalanx of deadly assassins who could seduce their way into the beds of top Western officials. We believe that, strapped for cash, they could now be sub-contracting their services to Al-Qaieda!” Grommet emphasises that ‘Katya’ - currently suspected to be posing as prostitute in London’s West End - should be considered highly dangerous. “Under no circumstances should the public’s members approach her,” he says. “They should be particularly suspicious of any offers of cheap oral sex, and immediately report them to the nearest police officer, who will, of course, take the matter in hand.”

Wickler believes he may have been targeted due to the sensitive nature of his job. “I input lots of confidential data for an employment agency. They probably believed that if they took me out they could paralyse offices all over South London by cutting off the flow of essential temps,” he told us from his hospital bed. “When I picked her from that on-line catalogue, I never suspected that there was anything amiss! Of course, I selected ‘Katya’ for her intellect, although I was a bit surprised that a nuclear physicist would pose topless and want to come and live in a council flat in Lewisham!” Doctors, who were unable to save Wickler’s testicles, are now pinning their hopes on a transplant. “Unfortunately, we don’t get many bollock donors,” says a hospital spokesperson. “The only other alternative is plastic prosthetics - cosmetically, his scrotum will look normal, but he’ll never be able to ejaculate again!”

If anyone has any good ideas as to how to flesh this out into a complete story which is sufficiently different from Sex Bomb so as to allow publication in The Sleaze, let me know!

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