Monday, March 26, 2007

The Sleaze Remix

You know, I'm a little pressed for time today and I really don't have time to make a proper post. Instead, I'm going to follow the example of the music world and 'sample' somebody else's writing in order to pad this post out. Obviously, this isn't plagiarism as I'm just using the sample to 'set a tone' for the post. So, here goes with a 'sample' from a recent story in the ever excellent Watley Review (if you are going to steal - sorry, sample - you might as well do it from the best):

"Massachusetts has awarded more than three hundred letter Es to nineteen shopping centers in five counties as part of an economic development package designed to spur commerce."

Great stuff, eh? See how the immediate mention of E's can take us into a psychedelic drug induced ramble, even though that was never the intention of the sample's author! See, already I'm subverting, not plagiarising, the sample! Wow, man! See those groovy elephants fly by! Cucumber dinosaurs and ready sliced bears! Hey! Getting into a bit of a 'Strawberry Fields' groove there!

"The appendage of an E to the end of a business name has a demonstrable, if poorly understood, effect upon small business revenues; it is often termed the "Mr. E" effect, after the Harvard economist Edgar Ennis who first identified the phenomenon in the 1940s. Businesses with the extra E are able to charge anywhere from ten to fifty percent more for essentially identical goods and services."

Mr E! 'E's a good! 'E's a good! 'E's a good old boy! (Bugger, I'm plagiarising - sorry sampling - something else altogether there). How about; Mr E, 'E's an eeeeeeeeeeeconomist! Eeeeeeeeconomist!? Hell, this is going so well, I think I'm going to try remixing the original sample a bit now!

"We are frankly relieved - re - re - relieved that the governor has taken this bold and visionary step st-st- step-step-step," said James Peterson of the Pioneer Valley Chamber of Commerce. "These extra-tra-tra-traneous vowels may mean the difference between success and failure for many small to midsized bus-bus-bus- businesses- es- es- es."

Hey! I'm really enjoying this! How about a more radical remix, combining the sample with some of my own text?

"It's not a panacea," warned Milt Goldberg, an economist with the Brookings Institution. "You also need to be
sex pests being put to the ultimate test
sure you're distributing the correct vowel; extra Es may work well in Massachusetts, whereas in some cases,
a quick one off the wrist would result in instant disqualification, unless they've done a deal with the mysterious 'Wanker'
as with Mayor Bloomberg's distribution of extra 'Os' in Little Italy last year, other vowels may be more
the opportunity for a quick handy shandy before the next temptation rolls up
appropriate. And it should be noted that the 'Mr. E' effect doesn't work when the clientele is insufficiently
rubbing their lovely arses in their faces
literate to tell the difference between Shoppe, Shop, or Ship."

Jesus! That was brilliant! OK, to round things off, a bit of a rap remix:

"There's just something about that extra letter," MUTHA! "Even when it doesn't make sense. I mean, MUTHA! I don't know what a 'Krogere' is, but I didn't know what a MUTHAFUCKA! 'Kroger' was in the first place. MUTHAFUCKA! And I'm certainly willing to pay more for groceries at a Krogere than a Kroger. MUTHAFUCKA FUCKA!"

So, there you have it - the Watley Sleaze Remix. Possibly the easiest post I've ever written!

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