Celebrity Death Camp

The other day one of The Guardian's TV critics was commenting on the BBC's Celebrity Fame Academy, which is being inflicted on us once again, and suggested that perhaps we could have 'Celebrity Euthanasia' instead. Now, there's an idea with merit. It conjures up a wonderful image of some past their sell-by date micro-celeb being smothered with a pillow after the public finally decides they've had enough of them. However, I really think they'd have to retain the talent show format. Even I'd pay good money to charity for the opportunity to see the looks of desperation on these no-talents' faces as they perform appalling routines to try and save their own lives. You can just imagine it - the pleading looks to the audience, the sweat pouring off of them in bucket-loads, the quavering voices and brown stains at the backs of their trousers. When they get to the bit where they find the two who came bottom in the public vote, instead of allowing one to be saved by a vote of their fellow contestants, they should simply vote on which one gets to have the painless 'mercy killing'. The winner of the vote gets to die by lethal injection, or something, whilst the loser is condemned to a very cruel and unusual execution: torn apart by wolverines, or something.

The sad thing is, there are enough of these Z-listers out there desperate for publicity, that there'd be no shortage of volunteers for such a contest. I can guarantee that some of them would probably be perfectly happy to be the first to be executed, believing that even posthumous fame is better than obscurity. Trust me, just so long as you say that it is all for charity, you really could get away with murder. After all, just look at the crap that's already foisted on us in the name of 'good causes': Celebrity Fame Academy. Actually, I really should get this right, the correct title for the programme is Comic Relief Does Fame Academy. Does Fame Academy! I ask you, how fucking pretentious can you get? That's one of the things I really hate about Comic Relief; the way it thinks that it is so fucking important. Am I the only one who finds this idea of so-called comedians and 'celebrities' donating their 'services' for free to get us to give money to those poor people in Africa, just slightly patronising? It all comes over as a massive ego-massaging session on their part. There's this undercurrent to it, suggesting that we should be somehow grateful to them for organising it. Why? I didn't fucking ask you to do it! If you want to salve your consciences, try donating some of your vastly inflated pay packets to charity, instead of expecting ordinary working people to. Hell, it probably is just me, isn't it? Bitter and twisted, as usual!