When Eight Bell Ends Toll

I've always thought that would make a great title for a porn movie. I was reminded of it the other day when setting the video to record When Eight Bells Toll off of More 4. God alone knows what the plot would be - something about ship loads of Dutch pornography bound for sex-starved 1970s Britain being hijacked, perhaps? Some hugely endowed freelance investigator could be dispatched by Dutch porn barons to find out what's going on - a mission which undoubtedly requires him to bonk a multitude of mightily bosomed women in highly unlikely situations. Obviously, it all turns out to be a plot by Scotland Yard's 'Dirty Squad' in collusion with the Treasury to drive up the price of porn by restricting its availability, before flooding the market with inferior, over-priced homegrown product. Not only would this boost domestic porn production, but the demand generated by the previous lack of product would ensure huge revenues for the Treasury from the newly introduced Porn Tax. As I've said before, this stuff just writes itself...

Whilst checking my videotapes to find a blank one to record When Eight Bells Toll on, I rediscovered a recording of Lifeforce. Now, there's a film that everyone should see. Nude space vampires attack Britain, No, really, that's the plot. Personally, I never tire of watching it. It really is just a big budget B-movie, with a cast of distinguished thesps all at sea amongst excellent special effects and production values, but an execrable script. At one point the British Prime Minister greets the news that the Home Secretary has been killied by vampires by mumbling, "Yes, that's rather unfortunate". Amongst other delights, Mathilda May - usually seen in European art house movies - performs her entire role in the nude, Steve Railsback kisses Patrick Stewart on the lips and Peter Firth keeps sweeping into rooms barking: "I'm Captain Kane, SAS!" Great stuff! Lifeforce just goes to show that professional film makers with a big budget can make just as bad a film as amateurs like Ed Wood. Indeed, at least the likes of Wood have an excuse foe their films being so bad - lack of talent, money and resources. There really is no excuse for the likes of Lifeforce. Having said that, I'm bloody glad they did make it!