Revelations!

I'm sure you've all encountered those sites and forums where sad social inadequates try and gain some degree of kudos by revealing the spoilers of popular on-going TV series. Quite why potentially ruining people's viewing enjoyment should be considered in any way laudable is beyond me. Nevertheless, such sites do seem to have a certain degree of popularity, so, in a shameless attempt to get some more hits, I'm going to reveal some spoilers here at Sleaze Diary. Well, to be honest, I'm going to make up some spoilers. By the time the series in question end and people find they've been lied to, it'll be too late - I'll already have had the traffic! Hah! OK, let's start with the big one - Lost. Now my theory here - bearing in mind that I've never actually watched the programme - is that the people on the island are going to find out that they're now living in the far future, having been snatched from the present by a group of wealthy perverts. These future people - being incapable of normal sexual gratification as a result of nuclear war, global warming or something - have created the island as some kind of sexual playground, where they vicariously enjoy the sexual frissons of their captives by means of telepathy. As the series continues, various characters will find themselves captured and subjected to increasingly bizarre sexual situations including extreme bondage, rubber fetishes and chicken whippings.

The monster which wanders the jungle will be revealed as some kind of sexual id-monster - a by-product of the future perverts' increasing sexual excitement. Eventually it will be revealed as it goes on a frenzied rampage, molesting men, women and livestock alike - a bit like the id-monster in Forbidden Planet, except that it will be shaped like a huge penis and scrotum. In the ensuing conflagration, the monster will turn on its creators, causing a huge sexual explosion which will destroy them and blast the survivors on the island back to the present. All pretty plausible, I think. Now, sticking with time travel, let's move on to Life on Mars. This one's a bit more complicated. Either, Sam Tyler will discover that he is actually a renegade Time Lord exiled to 1970s earth by the Gallifreyans - the present-day coma being an hallucination resulting from the trauma of having his memory wiped - and the series will end with him discovering that Gene Hunt's Mk III Cortina is actually his TARDIS, or it turns out that in the present day he is a shoe salesman who, having stolen the secret plans to a competitors new range of unisex footwear, has been run over and put in a coma by the opposition. The whole 1970s schtick is a fake reality created by his employers in order to try and unlock his memories and access the shoe secrets. Let's face what better way to jog someone's memory about fashion accessories than by putting them into the decade that fashion forgot?

Heck, we're really cooking now! So, while I'm on a roll, how about Dr Who? Who is the mysterious Mr Saxon? Now, bearing in mind that he's to be played by John Simm from Life on Mars, we could have a whole crossover from that, with Saxon revealed as Sam Tyler/the renegade Time Lord, who, with the aid of the Cortina/TARDIS, has returned to present-day earth to wreak revenge on those who exiled him. Of course, finding that Gallifrey has been destroyed, he's forced to focus his wrath on the only other surviving Time Lord: The Doctor - who turns out to have been the main prosecution witness against him! Hell, I should be sending all this stuff off to Russell T Davies at the BBC - he might give me a fiver for it! Alternatively, Mr Saxon could turn out to be Peter Saxon, who, like his namesake the 1960s and 1970s pulp writer, could turn out to not really exist, but instead be a pseudonym for a whole group of other writers! In Mr Saxon's case, a gestalt alien which intends building superhuman bodies from corpses to house each of its individual intelligences before taking over the Earth! Wow! I've impressed myself with this stuff!

So, remember folks, in the unlikely event of any of these spoilers turning out to be accurate - you heard it here first!