The Return of Bird Flu

Aaaaargh! We're all going to die horribly! Yes, it's back! Bird Flu! Stand by for hysterical tabloid headlines and earnest TV reporters telling us all not to panic, whilst simultaneously stoking up the fires of fear with their footage of thousands of turkeys being slaughtered. Brace yourselves for the backlash against our feathered friends. Before you know it, police will be rounding up exotic species - kicking in the doors of their cages in midnight raids! Any migratory bird caught without a valid passport will find itself banged up in a detention aviary pending deportation to some country too poor to protest about us infecting them with avian flu viruses. Those suspected of deliberately trying to bring the virus into the UK will doubtless be banged up indefinitely in high security cages at Belmarsh, without legal representation or trial.

Still, as long the panic is directed toward birds, I don't really care. It's about time someone had a go at the little bastards. According to a spokesperson for the National Farmers' Union interviewed on BBC news about this latest bird flu outbreak at a Norfolk turkey farm, the main culprits for spreading infection are wild birds. Hopefully, this will mean open season on sparrows, thrushes, starlings and the like. Not only are wild birds the main perpetrators of bird flu, but they're also the main culprits when it comes to shitting on my car. You know, I paid £5.50 to get the car cleaned at a car wash last week - within forty eight hours the little bastards had shat all over it! Blast them out of the sky before it is too late! Strangle a pigeon today! You know it makes sense! Not only will you be protecting the country from avian flu, but you'll be keeping my car clean too!