Monday, January 15, 2007

Fate as a Washing Machine (Part Three)

I would never have believed the amazing peace of mind replacing a household appliance could bring me. The arrival of my new washing machine the other day has heralded a new age of peace and relaxation in my house. For the first time in what seems like decades, I can simply load the machine, close the kitchen door and safely leave it to get on with its job without wondering whether it is flooding the kitchen, destroying the rest of the kitchen fixtures as it careers wildly around on its spin cycle, or whether it is going to trip the mains switch as it threatens to unbalance itself as it spins out of control. I also now know that I am safe from fear of fatal attacks in my own home - I can wander into the kitchen safe in the knowledge that my washing machine isn't going to try and electrocute me. Trust me, being subjected to multiple assassination attempts by an out of control electrical appliance certainly frays the nerves!

Of course, when I look back, I can see that I really should have taken action against the bastard long ago. It had clearly been plotting against me for years. There were several occasions when I went into the kitchen after the spin cycle had ended to find the washing machine standing in the middle of the kitchen, facing the door to the living room. I'd always assumed that it had simply vibrated its way there. I can now see that it was really trying to catch me by surprise by bursting into the living room as I watched TV and drowning me in soapy water. Luckily for me, it was always foiled by the relative shortness of its hoses and electrical supply lead. Mind you, despite its good behaviour, the new washing machine does give me some grounds for worrying. It's disturbingly intelligent, calculating wash and spin times and the amount of water to use automatically on the basis of the load and selected programme. Far too clever for a washing machine. How long will it be before it decides that I'm an inferior life form and decides to eliminate me? Or, even worse, it gets together wit its brothers to enslave humanity, and get us to do our washing by hand, whilst the super-intelligent washing machines devote their time to devising a unified field theory instead?



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