Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Cruel and Unusual?

The Iraqi authorities have reacted angrily to suggestions from Tony Blair and other western politicians that the manner of Saddam Hussein's execution was 'completely wrong '. "Such allegations are outrageous - Saddam was allowed to die with dignity," declared Justice Ministry spokesperson Ali Khacker. "We allowed him to choose his own method of execution - he asked for auto-asphyxiation." According to Khacker the former Iraqi dictator was hanged with a tangerine in his mouth, whilst wearing women's underwear and masturbating himself with the aid of a rope tied around his ankles. "Trust me, he died with a smile on his face and a huge erection," the spokesperson claims. "In fact, his bonk on was so massive it burst out of his trousers and knocked unconscious three spectators in the front row! Even people standing at the back of the room were sprayed by Saddam's final ejaculation!" Challenged by journalists as to why none of this appears on any of the illicit videos of the execution which have surfaced on TV and the internet, Khacker claimed that the videos had been edited by Sunni insurgents determined to discredit the Shia-dominated government. "They want the world to believe Saddam's death was cruel and undignified," he explains, "when in reality it was unusual, but completely humane!"

Khacker also explained that many of the things seen in these heavily edited videos has been completely misunderstood by the Western press. "All those insults the executioners and spectators were supposedly shouting at Saddam - they were just talking dirty, as he requested," he says. "It is well known that he couldn't get it up unless he could here some obscene sexy talk." The masks worn by the executioners were apparently leather bondage masks. "Originally they were going to give him a bit of a beating, but at the last minute Saddam decided to keep it simple, instead," says Khacker. "Obviously, we respected his wishes." Khacker also accused the West of having double standards when it came to the manner in which criminals were executed. "Let's not forget the notorious Texas child murderer Phil Cackpipe, who was executed by exposure to lethal amounts of child pornography, " he says. "And what about of Jim Bunghole, the Arkansas serial killer responsible for the deaths of eight homosexuals? They had him publicly buggered to death by a specially-selected team of State Troopers! If that isn't cruel and unusual, I don't know what is!"



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