Saturday, December 23, 2006

Seasonal Greetings From the Inbox of Doc Sleaze

I thought I'd share with you all a recent seasonal missive I received from one of our regular readers over at The Sleaze:

Dear Sir

I must commend you on your stance on Christmas over the years. Why must year-after-year must we be have to contend with crowds of people in the streets who's spending is only dwarfed by their rudeness. Then finally you get to the shop only to find what you wanted to buy is not being stocked anymore just so they can fit in more of this shite seasonal lines. This happened to me only the other day and led to me being pushed over the edge and ultimately punching out the conductor of the Salvation Army band. May that be a warning to anybody wishing me an unprovoked Merry Christmas, and she went down like she had a glass jaw, where was her God at that moment? Has he jetted off to warmer climes for the holidays?

I'm afraid Christmas was ruined back in the 1980's by Thatcher and her government. I remember when the union of shop Santa's came out in support of the miners and were chased down by police on horses and beaten with sticks during and attempt to stop black-leg Santa's entering Selfridges' in Oxford Street. Can we not be let off one Christmas for good behaviour? And carol singers, why? They don't even have the good grace to be able to sing in tune anymore which surely should be a problem if you want to be paid. But then again have you seen the level of talent on the X Factor. Simon Cowell how can you live with yourself, if you had an ounce of decency you would, live on TV, nail your own bollocks onto a wooden table and say sorry for peddling such total wank as entertainment for so many years.

Still there is still fun to be had. I have been furiously masturbating into bottles of rum and sneaking it back into shops labeled as eggnog. I have been doing something like this with my own excrement, cooking chocolate, and some sponge pastry to create a true Yule log. Plum Duff, more like bum fluff now.


Arthur Ardon

Clearly a man after my own heart. To address one of Mr Ardon's questions - I doubt very much that God had jetted off to warmer climes. With luck that bout of freezing fog we've had to endure over the past few days kept the sanctimonious old bastard at home. Or even better, forced him to sleep on an airport floor for a couple of nights waiting for his cancelled flight to be reinstated. I also think that we should all be indebted to Mr Ardon for reminding us of the existence of the Salvation Army - another great target for 'Keep Christianity out of Christmas ' campaigners, especially as they're committed to non-violence. You can beat them all you like and they can't retaliate! Magic!



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