Blair Witch Finder

The Prime Minister Tony Blair has taken firm action to combat the growing threat posed to British society by witchcraft. In a speech to the House of Commons he outlined a series of emergency measures to be included in a new Witchcraft Act. "The unregulated use of witchcraft is becoming a far graver threat to our society than drug abuse or football hooliganism", he told a packed House. Blair's shock move is thought to have been prompted by revelations in The Sleaze that senior Tory grandees were using voodoo to create a legion of undead conservative voters (see True Blue Voodoo). There have since been reports that Tory leader David Cameron is now in thrall to a powerful coven of witches rumoured to include David Davis, Ian Duncan Smith and David Willets. Whilst Conservative Party spokesmen have strongly denied these claims, it is clear that Mr Blair blames the opposition for an alarming increase in teenage sorcery use.

Outbreaks of teenage witchcraft have been reported up and down the country, with one survey showing that one in five children under the age of sixteen had practiced witchcraft and that the average age of initiation into covens was only fourteen. Many teenage witches have invoked the dark powers to gain revenge on their parents or teachers. In one particularly serious incident a Middlesborough school had to be closed after a plague of demons devastated the chemistry labs and a PE teacher was chased across the playground by a swarm of plimsolls and football boots, all intent upon smacking or kicking his arse. Other parts of the country have seen dangerous magic battles break out between rival teenage covens. Hospitals in Wolverhampton have reported a significant increase in the number of cases of running pustules, blaming coven warfare for the phenomenon.

John Reid has made clear that the Government takes the issue of the unregulated practice of witchcraft very seriously. Amongst the measures he has announced are provisions to stop the benefit of any job seekers caught using black magic. However, this has brought an angry reaction from groups representing the unemployed and low paid. They have pointed out that witchcraft is predominantly practiced by middle-class professionals in secure and respectable jobs, rather than by the unemployed - who are, more often tan not, the victims of sorcery. These claims are backed up by the recent case of a defence barrister who attempted to influence the outcome a murder trial by sticking pins into wax effigies of the jury.

Other measures announced by Mr Reid include the establishment of a special freephone hotline for members of the public who believe that friends, neighbours or even relatives might be witches, to voice their suspicions whilst retaining their anonymity. A set oguidelineses is also to be issued by the Home Office to enable the public to clearly identify witches. "We must remember that it is not just obvious physical traits such as warts that can identify a witch", Mr Reid told a press conference. "They can also be identified by their arcane and archaic belief system. Beware of people espousing outmoded ideas such as social justice, freedom of information or civil liberties. Such ideas are irrelevant to the modern world". In extreme cases magistrates will be able to exercise their new powers under the Witchcraft Act and set up inquisitorial tribunals to test suspects by ducking and torture. Where guilt is established the police will be authorised to carry out public burnings at the stake