Fishy Business

So, a former KGB agent dies of radiation poisoning in London, and there's a fish connection. Yet more proof, if any were needed, that fish rank amongst the most dangerous creatures on earth. First of all Steve Irwin is battered to death with a stingray, now Alexander Litvinenko is felled by a radioactive fish of indeterminate species (wielded, no doubt, by some shady Russian assassin) - and let's not forget all the regular citizens in the UK who have suffered serious fish assaults. How many more people have to die before the government does something? Hell, when is the United Nations going to do something? The demises of Irwin and Litvinenko have shown this issue has now gained an international dimension. Of course, I'm assuming that Litvinenko was slapped with a radioactive fish whilst he was in that sushi bar, but the truth could be far more sinister.

Could it be that mutated killer fish, the result of nuclear waste dumping in the North Sea, are stalking London? Are they using sushi bars as a front for their nefarious activities? I'm beginning to suspect that the police have got it all wrong - the real secret which Litvinenko stumbled across was that radioactive fish monsters were in league with Russia's President Putin to overthrow the Western democracies. Seriously, I think that it is entirely credible that fish have mutated to possess super-intelligence and perhaps even legs. It's the latter bit which really scares me - the idea of giant cod and skate actually walking around our streets (presumably with water-filled goldfish bowls over their heads so that they can breath. Unless, of course, they've mutated sufficiently to possess lungs), terrifies me. I mean, they could actually chase us down the streets. Or even ride bicycles - where the hell would that leave us, eh? Trust me, al those years of over-fishing are going to come back to haunt us now! Their first targets will be the anglers, then the fish and chip shops! Imagine the horror of it - fish and chip vendors fried in their own batter by giant walking halibut! Before you know it, we'll be the ones kept as pets in glass bowls, with the fish ogling us! Don't say I didn't warn you!