Monday, November 20, 2006

The Great Seasonal Turn On

The Christmas, or Winterval, as I like to call it, tree has finally arrived in my town centre. The lights have been stealthily snaking their way from lamp-post to lamp-post for a few weeks now. Apparently the grand 'switching on' is this coming weekend - to coincide with the appearance of Santa Claus in the town centre. What a fortuitous coincidence. I really don't know how he finds the time to make so many guest appearances. Getting back to the official decorations, the banners all around the shopping centre are promising that 'stars' will be present. Now, in the past, the organisers' definition of 'stars' and mine have differed considerably when it comes to the switching on of the Winterval lights. In the past we have had such 'celebrities' as one time Eastenders actor Dean 'I Wasn't Sacked' Gaffney, his sometime colleague Ross 'Ultimate Farce' Kemp and Ted Rogers. The latter only appeared because Marti Caine - scheduled to co-star with him in the local pantomime - had the good sense to die. As did Ted, shortly after. So, who will they muster this year? The clue might lie, once again, with the pantomime, which features some bloke from Emmerdale, a girl from Balamory and some guy who, despite being touted as an Eastenders star, hasn't actually appeared in the programme for at least ten years. So, anybody turning out for the ceremony expecting to see celebrities of the calibre of Robbie Williams, Harold Bishop from Neighbours, or even Mark 'Chappers' Chapman, the bloke who reads the sport on Radio One, is going to be sorely disappointed.

Personally, I'd like to see the festive lights switched on by some kind of porn magnate. You know, the sort of bloke who owns a chain of nudie bars, publishes a string of 'gentleman's' magazines and produces straight to DVD 'erotic thrillers' starring the likes of Lusty McBusty. You can just imagine it, can't you? This silver haired, dinner-jacketed, cigar-toting smoothie, flanked by scantily clad blondes, pushing that button to light up: an amazing erotic display of Christmas lights and animated life-size figures. How I'd love to hear the gasps of outrage and astonishment from the good citizens of this town as gigantic flashing penises and breasts burst into life around them. I'd love to witness them attempting to hide their kiddies' eyes as the animatronic Santa starts rutting with Rudolph and the elves engage in a drunken orgy. Ahhh! A man can dream! Mind you, it would all be no less offensive than some of the abominations passing as external Christmas decorations I see in the course of my travels at this time of year. Why do people do it? I cannot think of anything more anti-social than festooning the outside of your house with garish flashing lights and sticking giant inflatable Santas and Snowmen in your garden. Even worse are the houses which sport reindeer and sleds on the roof. Jesus Christ! If nothing else, just think of the electricity bill! Not to mention the carbon emissions! For God's sake people, if you are thinking of putting such decorations on your house this year - don't! Just think of the environment instead - give the world a Christmas present by refraining from wasting yet more of its precious resources 'decorating' your house and thereby confirming your neighbours' suspicions that you have no taste whatsoever!

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