Age of the Mega Dump

Are we living in the Age of the Mega Dump? Is it just me, or do we seem to be crapping more? Is it something about modern diets? Or is it just that toilets are getting smaller? I only ask on account of the number of U-blockers I've been responsible for lately. I mean, it really used to be an event when you produced something so humungous it not only refused to flush away in one go, but actually blocks the waste pipe as you desperately try to get rid of it. Yet twice this has happened to me in the past couple of weeks. On the most recent occasion, not only did the first attempt fail to flush it, resulting instead in the water creeping ominously up the sides of the bowl, but the second flush (with lots of added toilet paper), seemed to make the situation worse. I really thought the toilet was going to overflow. It was with great relief that the waters finally receded, taking the blockage with them.

Now, this might seem trivial to many readers, but let me tell you, it's bloody terrifying watching that water rise inexorably. It is at times like that I find myself doing my Oliver Hardy impression - waddling up and down on the spot going "Oooohhhh". I swear that if I had a bowler hat I'd be desperately pressing it down on my head with both hands - and probably shouting "Stanley! That's another fine mess!". The thought that a huge brown trout could be slopping its way out of the crapper and be flopping around your feet is enough to panic anybody. Anyway, getting back to the point of this sordid post, if this sort of thing is going to become commonplace as we enter the Age of the Mega Dump, we really do need to take precautions. The government should be issuing advice. You know, to always wear Wellington boots whilst taking a dump, to buy bigger bog brushes, that sort of thing. They should also consider a major programme of renewing and enlarging waste pipes to take these mega dumps. Trust me, if we don't take action now, then this time next year we'll be swimming ankle deep in crap.