High Spirits

Apparently the Spiritualists were in the lounge bar of my local pub the other night (this is the once great, now really crap local, not the pub I'm building in my front room). Unfortunately, I missed them, as, from what I was told of their visit, they were on good form, ripe for a piss-taking. According to these two Spiritualists, there was a ghost present which didn't like women standing at the bar (mind you, this could simply have been a subtle hint that they expected table service). Frankly, I'm surprised that we don't see more of this lot in the pub, as the local Spiritualist Church is only a few yards down the road. Now, there's a funny thing: have you ever noticed how Spiritualist Churches inevitably seem to be corrugated tin shacks? Every one I've ever seen has fallen into this category. Oh, and they're usually painted green.

I've often wondered if the manner of their construction is to help them attract the spirits - maybe all that corrugated tin acts as some kind of weird ectoplasmic receiver. I must confess that I haven't really got much idea as to what actually goes on in these 'churches', never having been inside one. Perhaps inside they're all gleaming chrome and modern technology, but I doubt it. Musty, draughty and cobwebbed is my guess. As for what passes for worship, well, I can only suppose they all sit round in a circle, with a medium asking "Is there anybody there?" and producing ectoplasm. Actually, I once had the chance to attend a 'service', 'seance' or whatever they call it there, but cried off. My friend who did go (she isn't a spiritualist, but she was going, with her mother, to support a friend who was going there, and after that it all becomes too complicated to explain), has always been somewhat vague as to what actually did go on (this might have something to do with the several pints she'd drunk earlier in the aforementioned pub). She did, however, tell me that the 'Minister' looked like a sex offender. Now, I know that now you're wondering "how the hell would his friend know what a sex offender looked like?", which is a fair question. But trust me on this, there are very good work-related reasons as to how she might be able to spot one. It really isn't because she hangs around dodgy public parks waiting to be propositioned by weird men. Honestly. Anyway, she did also say that her friend claimed to have been 'contacted' by the spirit of a recently deceased loved one. By text message, I think.

Before this post peters out, I think I should also point out that this friend isn't the same one as in the previous post. It's just that I seem to be a magnet for extremely strange women. In this case, completely certifiable women.